Venting Anyone else not proud they made it to 2025?

[metothemoon]

Venting again: I hate all the posts on social media/people telling me it is fucking brave to survive and I should be proud of making it through the year. But it just does not feel like that. I feel weak for not ending it, I feel like a failure for making it through. Sometimes CTB feels like the bravest thing to do and take control over it all. And here I am living another miserable year

 

[whitetaildeer]

sorta, yeah. to me, it takes bravery to survive, especially in a world like this one, but it really feels like it takes even more bravery to ctb. and i lack the amount of bravery needed to ctb.

i blame evolution for (naturally) giving humans the fear of death and all things painful. curse our instincts

 

[Callie Arcale]

Biggest failure of my life is not having the courage to kill myself. Each year that passes is a bitter reminder that I am too much of a coward to do the right thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

I truly have been enslaved in this existence for so long, it's all just so cruel and painful to me, the fact that this existence was imposed that just causes suffering all for the sake of it and problems there was never a need for is a tragedy to me, I'd never wish for the futile, torturous burden of human existence and I always suffer so much from being trapped in this undesirable existence that I never would have chose. For me existence itself is the ultimate problem and I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all, it terrifies me how one can suffer for so long just to be tortured by old age, I wish I could have the option to simply cease existing in peace and never suffer ever again.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

I feel like I failed 2024 and should not have passed on to 2025 for being such a failure.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I can't even think in terms of years anymore because I've been living the same miserable day for so long that it's all blending together. But yes, I'm disappointed in myself for making it to 2025.

 

[outrider567]

Venting again: I hate all the posts on social media/people telling me it is fucking brave to survive and I should be proud of making it through the year. But it just does not feel like that. I feel weak for not ending it, I feel like a failure for making it through. Sometimes CTB feels like the bravest thing to do and take control over it all. And here I am living another miserable year

I don't think any of us feel brave, more like terminally depressed

 

[Forever Sleep]

I actually do feel like I need to stay while my Dad is still alive. Not sure I exactly feel proud I've made it through another year. More relieved really that things were more bearable in some respects than they have been before.

With that though, comes an utter dread that they may regress again. Especially with what I feel like I have left to fight- pretty much nothing. I don't feel ashamed I haven't CTB though because, it just isn't on the cards for me right now.

The one thing I might feel proud of right at the end- once my Dad has passed, leaving me free to go is if I was stoic enough for him not to have realised. It's not like he can help me really- so it's pointless telling him. I do so badly want to spare him the worry and grief of knowing how I truly feel. Even that though is becoming harder.

 

[L'absent]

I understand that it may seem like a failure for me and, in general, perhaps also for others, for other issues. It didn't go as I hoped, because it concerns me as a person, but there are aspects that transcend us, that go beyond our will. What I mean is that if it happened in 2024, it tied me to events that gave a deeper meaning to what I had to do. Doing it in 2025, while certainly a liberation and an improvement, no longer has the same essence, substance and meaning that it would have had in 2024.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I'm not proud I made it past my first birthday nearly 54 years ago.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm not proud of making it another year I hate it

 

[theshund]

Not sure. I face the new year with extreme trepidation. Tried to ctb last Saturday with an exit bag and nitrogen. Sat under the bag with gas hissing in my ear for five minutes but nothing happened. I now know I should've inflated the bag first so there was too much oxygen. It was crushing despair to remove the bag but probably fortuitous as I didn't have nearly enough gas. Am looking at either CO or SN next. I thought sourcing all the SN stuff would be hard but found it on Amazon here in the UK along with a non otc source for Prochlorperazine (dopamine blocker anti memetic) and I have 6 diazepan I'm going to take too. Will probably drop the anti memetic in 3 doses over 3 hours to be sure, take all 6 diazepan then down the SN solution when I start to feel groggy. Anyone know if sleeping tablets will affect the chemistry?

 

[harlow-paige]

honestly yeah; though i guess most of the negative emotions towards myself and another year passing comes more from feeling stuck. i'm not proud of myself for having another year gone by just frozen in cowardly fear of making any decision in either direction.