anyone else feel like a black hole?

[PrincessInWhite]

I am genuinely a bottomless pit.

My life has devolved into a monstrosity. I have lived in mental torment all my life, with nothing ever being "enough", everything great feels GREAT until it stops filling the hole. And when something is upsetting, I do not "Get over it" the way other people do. It does not ease with time. I perseverate and turn everything out inside and out over and frontwards backwards and forwards trying to fix it. Right now my current obsession is that I am shadowbanned on instagram and barely anyone sees my stories anymore. You read that right! I am crashing out over fucking INSTAGRAM at my big age. Not a business account, a personal one. I am freaking out because I no longer feel "perceived" enough by others and can't get the validation I crave. Before this I obsessed over money, or other situations or things. It's always something.

I am so sick of this. Between my awful genetics (mom has early onset dementia and autoimmune disease, I also have dysautonomia, hypermobility etc) and living my entire life in fight or flight, I live with a litany of physical problems. I have such severe insomnia I often average 15-20 hours of sleep a week plus a ton of parasomnias like jerkinhg awake 30+ times a night, sleep paralysis, severe muscle tension when trying to sleep, inability to breathe laying down, etc . I deal with ridiculous unexplained physical symptoms like pissing my brains out to the point of dehydration, being unable to breathe (not like a panic attack, it happens even when i'm not anxious), constant pain, headaches, infections, severe memory problems, weakness, so many inexplicable things that I've been tested repeatedly for and no one diseae explains. My body has stored every last ounce of this trauma. It is insanely, severely debilitating. My symptoms fluctuate WILDLY and make it hard predict day to day what I can even do. I used to have a respectable career. Not anymore. I am unable to work and have been for years.

I have always lived rushing to the next thing. Nothing is ever enough. I CANNOT handle uncertainty, ever. I am autistic and so inflexible to the point of hysteria and meltdowns when things deviate from the way I thought they'd be. Any variation at all doesn't feel safe. A character can change bedrooms in a TV show I'm watching and I'll silently panic over the change. And that's super fun when I'm desperate for a routine but can't stick to one due to my physical health being so up and down.

I have tried therapy, medications, intensive programs, self help books, exercise, sleep hygiene, hobbies, IRL connection, the people in my life have bent over BACKWARDS to support me for my entire life- I have SO MANY INCREDIBLE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. that's the thing. I am so lucky and loved and known and seen. None of this is because I'm alone in life or being abused or mistreated. I have connection and good things in my life. It's not enough. None of it is ever or will ever be enough.

I am exhausted. I am only here because I'm so stubborn but I also genuinely know everyone would be better off without dealing with my constant nonstop meltdowns, rigidity, hysteria, and desperate need for reassurance no matter how many times they tell me that's not the case.

I just wanted to start a dialogue because I needed to get this out of my head. Thank you for reading. <3

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Don't worry too much just remember we are all here for a short time and not long time. One thing that I do recommend you for though is perseverance because I remember this guy crying to me and going all hysterical because he thought he was going to be sent back to Africa and he couldn't take the public abusing him and making him a laughing he had to cry and use mental health to get his video taken from online after he aired his own dirty laundry.

I find this funny though because this man couldn't even afford 10 quid and he had to beg me for it and I remember one thing though this guy said about him being an ingrate and i actually pity him because for the past 7 years his job is to watch me and obsess over it and claims I want what he has when I don't even check for him like that.

I understand being born with short man syndrome must affect his day to day thinking that he spent days writing fake posts after fake posts maybe that's why he is always spreading false stories about others and lie so people can like him and these are the same people who will be abusing him behind back and no matter what he doesn't care because he doesn't have self esteem and self respect and I understand why he is always attacking others looks because people have insulted his looks to me on different occasions so he must have been butt hurt.

This is the same man wjo wants me to know every means and necessary "how well he is living" when I don't even check for him like that because I don't give a sh!t about him and I have never in my life looool this same man has a lot of criminal tendencies and history and also oh one thing he is the type to try to insult others because others have and used to insult him behind his back to me and he will be watching my post right now.

He doesn't even know when he is going to die and yet he is plotting for my ending … I can only laugh because no single person in this world knows when they are going to die and that includes HIM. Being called a virus and ingrate really suits him.

Good luck to "him good life" that he speaks of and that I don't even check for or look for or even care about.

When someone has to air his dirty laundry for a "nice hotel" says everything I need to know for such a character and person.

You are way better than him because he couldn't even pass a GSCE or is it 2 he passed and I pity his mum who called me before bitching and complaining about him and I dismissed her because I didn't want to part of their family drama.
Oh I know of a man big man who would crush over Facebook likes and comments and he would cry "jealousy" if his pictures and posts didn't get the likes he wanted. Imagine at his big age too. Maybe he wants me to cry over instagram but I don't, he used to claim he would never join instagram but which his attention whoring ways I saw his page on my suggested page on my instagram.

Mr two goody shoes " I will never join instagram" and yet here we are. Imagine crying and bragging about friends who used to chat so much shit avoid him behind his back to me I can only laugh .

I'm laughing at him, because what is even the point of mentioning shadow banned ??? Hypocrite because Instagram is not important to him and yet mention this and also the fact that he refer to women as hoes and when asked he lies and deny it. The fact that he had to flee to another city because someone wanted to expose how rotten of a human being he is tells me everything I need to know about this type of person.

poor his wife he called Mupengo to me being married to the shortest man who has ever lived and who insults you behind your back cannot be easy.