Venting Anxiety is a shit

[Darkarage]

Last weekend I was diagnosed with major depression. I've been depressed for almost 4~5 years. The cause of my depression: Maybe I'm an asperger (genetically condemned to be a nerd). All I do is read, watch videos about philosophy and physics, documentaries, etc. I was studying at the university but I suffered a 'Crisis', wich ended with a car accident... I was near to get jailed for that. Before that my depression was at a medium level I can say. But after this ocurred, all started to fell downwards in my mind. I've tried to CTB with an exit bag two times since the accident, but I was not able to do it, I still was trying to reach some hope. Actually I won a scolarship to learn another language and after that, I was supposed to get a job in a call center. But I couldn't make it, I was having suicidal thoughts while I was studying. I wasn't medicated too, never before I left the academy. Actually I left the university too... A big mistake. So since that moment I have been just surviving, but the depression is getting worst each day. I feel how does the antidepressant is getting more weakly everyday. And anxiety is the worst part. I'm suferring social fobia, and everytime I go out, I can feel a tremendous fear. My voice turns shameful, and I try to modulate it, but the emotions are strong, and without noticing, my voice gets weak and I began to stutter... bffffffff. This week I've passed 3 days without alprazolam till today I bought it. I was at the pharmacy, and they were looking me strange. Everything went right, and they gave me the pills. After that I arrived home, but I can't still sleep. I have been sleeping for almost just 3 or 4 hours. I tried everything, read, watch some tv, videos, movies, play the guitar. But I cant continue with this, even if I have my medicine (and therapy), everything is so hard. Just to get something to eat is a very stressful work. I have been through hard times, since I born for shure. When I remember my whole life, I question myself ¿Did I have been depressed since I was a child? Why do I was always the good guy but very innocent and easy manipulated kid.

Do you think I'm salvageable, I just need to hang out with some friends? Well, I don't have friends anymore, everyone abandoned me... People in my country are so prejudgement about mental illness. And religion is a common thing here (I'm from Guatemala). That affected me too, with my family and with my friends.

So I'm here sitting alone in my bedroom. Its a beautiful sunny day, perfect to ctb. But is not the moment. Maybe, the next week. I already know where I can buy the SN and antiemetics. I have a full box with 29 and a half pills of alprazolam, I just need some of them. An exit bag hidden somewhere in my room. I just need to write the letter to justify my actions, to say some things confident, say goodbye. And to minimize the impact the most I can... In a few days I will be ready.