I have been wanting to CTB for months now after my boyfriend was murdered this year. I ordered SN and found myself getting lazy after I received it because now all i do is lay in bed with no motivation, not even to CTB. I had already written my letters prior to receiving SN because i knew for a fact i wanted to CTB, however i am such a particular person i have wanted to re-write them because at the time of writing them i felt frantic, now i am calm. I haven't even had the energy to do that and it makes me feel even worse about myself.
To make things worse, my step sister passed away tonight. I feel like death is taunting me because for so long it's all i've wanted, but my loved ones are being taken instead. I don't know how i'll be able to CTB soon after this loss for the sake of my family, but i also don't know how much more i am able to take. I'm terrified of life now, it only makes sense to me to decide to end my own life instead of living in fear of waiting to die if that makes sense.
To make things worse, my step sister passed away tonight. I feel like death is taunting me because for so long it's all i've wanted, but my loved ones are being taken instead. I don't know how i'll be able to CTB soon after this loss for the sake of my family, but i also don't know how much more i am able to take. I'm terrified of life now, it only makes sense to me to decide to end my own life instead of living in fear of waiting to die if that makes sense.
