Venting Am I too mentally ill to be (romantically) loved?

[jenny6391bubbles]

I feel like I'm mentally stable right now, but one thing my friend told me after a series of dating mishaps this year was that most people will not be able to be in a relationship with someone mentally ill and that fact really sucks. It does really suck, and that's why I want to get better. But it feels so painful that I have to be "normal" in the eyes of most people just so that I can be loved and accepted.

I'm actually getting better at this because I finally learned that I don't have to overshare about my past or justify my behavior to others by bringing up past trauma that happened to me. I don't have to share every single annoying or traumatizing that happened to me to everyone.

I let my attraction to people just stay as it is, as I acknowledge I won't be able to take care of a relationship while I take care of my chronically ill mother. I only will be willing to give my heart and my time to someone who really shows that they won't hurt me.

I remember someone who had liked me compared me to a beautiful flower that must be left alone and not plucked. I wonder if other people see me that way as well.

Well, based on this year, it is better to be single (and not dating anyone) than to suffer from dating and being in the wrong relationship. Got a bit of mental damage from dating a couple of wrong people this year.

 

[martyrdom]

I feel like I'm mentally stable right now, but one thing my friend told me after a series of dating mishaps this year was that most people will not be able to be in a relationship with someone mentally ill and that fact really sucks.

That's a really inconsiderate and cruel thing to say. For what it's worth, I don't think it's true at all. Investing in your mental health and being okay with being single before getting into any relationship is important (for everyone) but that doesn't mean you have to be 100% mentally healthy to be loved (and that doesn't even exist), or that there's some sort of cut off where your problems are too severe for anyone to possibly love you, at least in my own experience. If you have healthy coping mechanisms, the ability to self-soothe to some extent and good communication skills, relationships can work regardless of mental illness and all people need those even if they aren't mentally ill. There are mentally healthy people (whatever that really means) who don't have those skills and their relationships don't work either for that reason.

A lot of my previous girlfriends struggled with mental illness and that in itself was not a problem in our relationship at all. My own issues aren't deterring my girlfriend (despite my best efforts) either.

 

[venerated-vader]

I think it's important to be careful with who you choose to date. I didn't really pursue anyone for a while because I didn't think I was ready. And it's okay to not be ready, because if a bad relationship situation (like a rejection or an early breakup) is going you on a dangerous spiral or something, you might want to wait. So that you can keep your mental health intact. That can take some time, but that doesn't mean its impossible to find a healthy relationship, or that you should forever avoid dating.

A friend of mine with really severe depression has been with her partner for 7 years now, and he also deals with mental health concerns. They understand each other, and have spent years working on themselves prior to even dating. So it took her a long time, true, but it was worth the wait because she found someone who understands her pain AND cares about her enough to support her when she's in a bad spot. Which she does for him, too.

So maybe it'll take a different approach to dating, but you can 1000000% find a healthy relationship so long as you and your potential partner are willing to work on yourselves, too, because relationships can be stressful! But more importantly, if you feel you're not ready yet, give yourself some time to be single so you can focus on yourself. Nothin wrong with that.

 

[679chocolates]

i think it really depends on the partner, learning to love someone's flaws or better yet working with them to overcome them or simply loving them regardless of it can happen. some girls i've dated i would literally research their condition so i could handle them properly, taking care to not trigger them and such, being patient with her stutters and reassuring as much as i could. in the end she didn't love me as much as i loved her but i am happy knowing i adored her the best i could.

 

[-Link-]

A lot of factors come into play here.

Problems can arise if the partner finds themselves in a caretaker role or if there's an imbalance between what they're capable of doing and what the partner wants to do as far as day-to-day activities (eg. someone's agoraphobia and their partner's love of nature).

A situation where someone's largely housebound without income or on disability benefits while the partner works a full-time job, is a setup for the buildup of resentment on the part of the partner. Anyone in this position would probably be well-advised ensuring the relationship has an ongoing accounting for this distinction.

With a situation like mental illness where it's widely believed "everything is fixable if you just work at it", I'd imagine it's common for the healthier partner to want to see ongoing attempts at treatment and progress. Communication and openness would be especially important on this one as far as helping the partner keep their expectations in line with reality.

Conditions like depression can become a barrier against physical intimacy.

And it's difficult to watch a loved one suffer. The partner would probably do well to have their own outlet or source of "therapy" or "recharging" just for purposes of managing their own emotions, stress, and pressures as it relates to watching someone they love suffer so much.

For the part of the person who's mentally ill, there are several ways that just being in a relationship with a healthy partner, taken in and of itself, could aggravate their mental health conditions: feeling like a burden on the partner, feeling like a patient or a child instead of an equal, feeling diminished autonomy, self-consciousness around the partner's family and friends, etc.

With severe mental illness, the least-challenging path to a relationship is probably with a partner who, themselves, deals with severe mental health issues. Pretty high level of volatility in this scenario, though, and would be easy for one or both to get hurt very badly. Tread carefully.

This is all just generally speaking, looking at better practices in most-likely or most-common scenarios. Glossing over any or all of these issues isn't necessarily a setup for failure.

Bottom line: "You are not your mental illness." Yes, you are lovable. Yes, you can be romantically loved. It just takes more work (conscientiousness, communication, patience, empathy, understanding, compromise, proactvity rather than reactivity, etc.) on the part of both parties.

 

[Lycoris]

A lot of factors come into play here.

Problems can arise if the partner finds themselves in a caretaker role or if there's an imbalance between what they're capable of doing and what the partner wants to do as far as day-to-day activities (eg. someone's agoraphobia and their partner's love of nature).

A situation where someone's largely housebound without income or on disability benefits while the partner works a full-time job, is a setup for the buildup of resentment on the part of the partner. Anyone in this position would probably be well-advised ensuring the relationship has an ongoing accounting for this distinction.

With a situation like mental illness where it's widely believed "everything is fixable if you just work at it", I'd imagine it's common for the healthier partner to want to see ongoing attempts at treatment and progress. Communication and openness would be especially important on this one as far as helping the partner keep their expectations in line with reality.

Conditions like depression can become a barrier against physical intimacy.

And it's difficult to watch a loved one suffer. The partner would probably do well to have their own outlet or source of "therapy" or "recharging" just for purposes of managing their own emotions, stress, and pressures as it relates to watching someone they love suffer so much.

For the part of the person who's mentally ill, there are several ways that just being in a relationship with a healthy partner, taken in and of itself, could aggravate their mental health conditions: feeling like a burden on the partner, feeling like a patient or a child instead of an equal, feeling diminished autonomy, self-consciousness around the partner's family and friends, etc.

With severe mental illness, the least-challenging path to a relationship is probably with a partner who, themselves, deals with severe mental health issues. Pretty high level of volatility in this scenario, though, and would be easy for one or both to get hurt very badly. Tread carefully.

This is all just generally speaking, looking at better practices in most-likely or most-common scenarios. Glossing over any or all of these issues isn't necessarily a setup for failure.

Bottom line: "You are not your mental illness." Yes, you are lovable. Yes, you can be romantically loved. It just takes more work (conscientiousness, communication, patience, empathy, understanding, compromise, proactvity rather than reactivity, etc.) on the part of both parties.

This is partially why I also feel like I cant let anyone love me, I do need a caretaker because I'm disabled but cant afford one and I care about my potential soulmate out there too much to force them into that position

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

I think it's important to be careful with who you choose to date. I didn't really pursue anyone for a while because I didn't think I was ready. And it's okay to not be ready, because if a bad relationship situation (like a rejection or an early breakup) is going you on a dangerous spiral or something, you might want to wait. So that you can keep your mental health intact. That can take some time, but that doesn't mean its impossible to find a healthy relationship, or that you should forever avoid dating.

A friend of mine with really severe depression has been with her partner for 7 years now, and he also deals with mental health concerns. They understand each other, and have spent years working on themselves prior to even dating. So it took her a long time, true, but it was worth the wait because she found someone who understands her pain AND cares about her enough to support her when she's in a bad spot. Which she does for him, too.

So maybe it'll take a different approach to dating, but you can 1000000% find a healthy relationship so long as you and your potential partner are willing to work on yourselves, too, because relationships can be stressful! But more importantly, if you feel you're not ready yet, give yourself some time to be single so you can focus on yourself. Nothin wrong with that.

Outright rejections actually make me feel better in the long run since I can move on faster but not knowing whether someone likes me or not can be quite anxiety-inducing to me. Early breakups may or may not hurt depending on how attached I am to someone. Broke it off this dating set-up I had with someone recently because they weren't giving me as much care and I think they wanted to be more casual, but I could feel myself getting too attached for something casual. So, I did what I did. It hurt a little, but I think it was better for me in the long run since waiting for their replies made me extremely anxious (they had a really bad work schedule).

At this point, if I find someone, that's great, but if not, it's okay also. I guess I should also find more supportive friends as well.

 

[-Link-]

This is partially why I also feel like I cant let anyone love me, I do need a caretaker because I'm disabled but cant afford one and I care about my potential soulmate out there too much to force them into that position

I totally understand how this type of guilt can preempt even the idea of attempting a relationship. But if you ever want to look at relieving some of that guilt, I'd look at a few questions you could ask yourself to help start on that path: "Would I be forcing my potential soulmate into a caretaker role, or would they be choosing this role as part of a greater whole?" "Would I be blindsiding my partner, or would I be giving them a full understanding before they committed?" "What would I do to help ensure my partner's needs are being met?" "If I talked to someone who cares about me and asked them what strengths and qualities a partner might notice in me, what would they tell me?"

What you've stated here: The fact that you're saying this and that you have these reservations at all demonstrates a level of awareness, compassion, and empathy that can make all the difference.

 

[sadman1897]

I'm not dating due to my mental instability. It's not fair to either party imo

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

Ok short answer: No. Source: I have been in several relationships while being severely mentally ill.

Long answer: No, but your ability to stay in those relationships, and have healthy relationships in general, will be diminished. If you ever find yourself dating another mentally ill person, and you probably will at some point, dealing with another person's baggage will make you see how hard it is on others. However, dealing with your baggage together can be helpful and healing. My girlfriend and I had a very healthy and loving relationship until I lost her to suicide a couple weeks ago. Both of us were severely depressed when we got together, with her just having recently been in the hospital for an attempt. And there's always people out there who have seemingly endless patience and grace for dealing with others' mental illness. I know they exist because I am one of those people :). Personally it makes me happy to support someone, especially if they are hurting. So it's also possible you can find someone like that. There will be troubles, and there are no guarantees in life, but it is possibly to date while mentally ill. I wish you luck in finding any future relationships <3.