Story am i the asshole?

[meddle]

well yes i am the asshole, but am i an irredeemable asshole that caused great irreparable damage? or am i just an asshole?

me and my former best friend were arguing. i wrote her a lot of messages, was trying to explain myself, why am i so hurt, what i think, etc. she told me "try to stop thinking about it (our fight, our friendship). nothing in this life deserves such attention". it made me really angry and i told her "dont tell me how i should feel about losing my best friend. i will think about it as much as i see fit". she replied clearly passive agressive "thats exactly what i meant. i like to tell people how to live their lifes". and it made me even more angry. her unwanted advice and toxic comment made me really hurt, so i wanted her to feel herself in my shoes, hear her own advice and feel how cruel it is. so i told her "try to stop thinking about your mother". her mother died like 5 years ago, but such losses hurt even after long time

i know i shouldnt have said that. i was angry and hurt, but it doesnt justify my cruel words. i dont expect us to communicate anymore (not only because of my words, but also because of our contradictions). but im deeply ashamed. i told her that im sorry and that i shouldnt have said that. but there is nothing more i could do. its really hard to live with guilty conscience

so am i an irredeemable asshole?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

We all say things we don't mean when we're hurt. We all say things that might feel true, or be true but aren't generally said because they serve no purpose than hurting another.

Don't feel guilty for what you said though. You have as much right to explain your feelings to her as she has what it does her. She can name what it does to her but shouldn't make accustions about her behaviour when you are trying to explain your own emotions.

Not everyone has the same emotional capacity. And not everyone can deal with someone else's emotions. Sometimes its just a real mismatch. And it takes work and listening from both sides to make it work.
Honestly it sounds like a loaded conversation and bad words on her part as well.

I don't think you're an asshole at all. But you seem to do.
So maybe instead wonder if this is who YOU want you to be, and if not work on not letting it happen again. You can't change the past. You can change the future

 

[Zura]

Yeah you kinda crossed the line but i think you should apologise which you already did maybe apologise again and say how you kinda got carried away and shit but do know that she might never forgive you for that or yall will never be friends again but i guess it cant be helped

 

[meddle]

Yeah you kinda crossed the line but i think you should apologise which you already did maybe apologise again and say how you kinda got carried away and shit but do know that she might never forgive you for that or yall will never be friends again but i guess it cant be helped

yeah, we wont be friends again, im ok with that. well ofc im hurt, but i reconciled with that. i know it was such a mean thing to say. i dont actually expect her to forgive me, i just regret i said such cruel thing to someone i cared about

We all say things we don't mean when we're hurt. We all say things that might feel true, or be true but aren't generally said because they serve no purpose than hurting another.

Don't feel guilty for what you said though. You have as much right to explain your feelings to her as she has what it does her. She can name what it does to her but shouldn't make accustions about her behaviour when you are trying to explain your own emotions.

Not everyone has the same emotional capacity. And not everyone can deal with someone else's emotions. Sometimes its just a real mismatch. And it takes work and listening from both sides to make it work.
Honestly it sounds like a loaded conversation and bad words on her part as well.

I don't think you're an asshole at all. But you seem to do.
So maybe instead wonder if this is who YOU want you to be, and if not work on not letting it happen again. You can't change the past. You can change the future

thanks i hope that in the future i will control myself better

 

[Forever Sleep]

You won't really know whether it's irredeemable until you do or don't hear back from her in future. It really comes down to her and what she thinks of you and your friendship. People here can only interpret it according to how they might react to that- which will also vary according to who said it to us, I imagine. Some people we might feel more understanding towards and liable to forgive than others.

We've likely all made cutting remarks when we felt hurt/ annoyed about something. It sounded a little more like she wanted to forget about it and move on initially, although- I can understand that the remark that it didn't warrant consideration must have been irritating.

As someone who also lost their Mum, I would have reacted badly to that comment- in truth. How she may eventually react will more likely depend on how well she knows you. Whether she thought you meant it with mallice etc.

It strikes me though- that you both feel like the other has/ is behaving unreasonably and all the time the other isn't understanding and apologizing for that, things are just escalating.

It's impossible really to comment though- on who is necessarily in the right or wrong overall. Although- it does sound as if you've been so upset by this that you've ended up overeacting. Good friends may still forgive us for that although, it's impossible to know as an outsider- how they may feel.