Venting am i really suicidal if i keep going back and forth if i want to ctb?

[slightoverlooked]

im so tired and depressed. i lost my cat, my soul, my everything. uni is hard. i dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. i want to relapse cutting. i should study for exams but i barely have the energy to care for myself. i hate my body and i just wish i had a partner.
i dont want to keep living this life.
but at the same time there r many things i enjoy. i love hanging out with others, i love consuming my favorite media, there r things i wanna watch and play, my mother would be so sad and threatened suicide if i do end my life.

idk what to do. if i order SN i might use it impulsively. im gonna turn 23 this year but idk if there is hope for me. what if i stay lonely forever? i dont even have the hope that i will find a boyfriend bc im scared of being abused, manipulated, gaslighted, r worded and so more. im very passionate abt woman rights but i fear it just shows me the reality of how a majority of men think and act towards woman.

psa: do not comment on this if you have something shitty to say abt woman or associate with the incel mindset. this is not abt you. i dont want to have a political discussion bc im venting and im tired. if you disagree with my suffering as a woman i suggest checking your abillity for empathy.
i left this site bc of being harrassed by a man on this website i dont want that to happen again. let me just vent about kms and leave me alone. thank you.

 

[soonnotkoei]

i know you specifically asked to leave you alone but

psa: do not comment on this if you have something shitty to say abt woman or associate with the incel mindset. this is not abt you. i dont want to have a political discussion bc im venting and im tired. if you disagree with my suffering as a woman i suggest checking your abillity for empathy.
i left this site bc of being harrassed by a man on this website i dont want that to happen again. let me just vent about kms and leave me alone. thank you.

im sorry that you had this kind of experience on this site. but i assure you that that was an exception. almost all of the people here are kind and caring it's unreal. you've been a member longer than me so i guess you will agree with me.

anyway, im sorry for the situation youre in. i wish you nothing but peace and good luck.

 

[slightoverlooked]

i know you specifically asked to leave you alone but

im sorry that you had this kind of experience on this site. but i assure you that that was an exception. almost all of the people here are kind and caring it's unreal. you've been a member longer than me so i guess you will agree with me.

anyway, im sorry for the situation youre in. i wish you nothing but peace and good luck.

thank you for your empathy. there r many nice ppl on here but its definitely more than just one person on this site that makes things uncomfortable for young woman so i have mostly lost my trust mixed with my irl experience. if anyone feels attacked by that then they should start self reflecting.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

My experience is also sort of "back and forth" but I think it should be more forth than back because life events only prove me that shit is going deeper and deeper into hell. I see so little room for success I just wish I could CTB and be done with everything... I'm so tired too... And I feel sorry for your situation

 

[soonnotkoei]

thank you for your empathy. there r many nice ppl on here but its definitely more than just one person on this site that makes things uncomfortable for young woman so i have mostly lost my trust mixed with my irl experience. if anyone feels attacked by that then they should start self reflecting.

yea no i completely understand where you're coming from. you had a bad experience with someone and now you can't trust anyone. been there. that's okay (:

 

[slightoverlooked]

My experience is also sort of "back and forth" but I think it should be more forth than back because life events only prove me that shit is going deeper and deeper into hell. I see so little room for success I just wish I could CTB and be done with everything... I'm so tired too... And I feel sorry for your situation

im so sorry to hear that. i wish things would get better for both of us. sometimes it feels easier to stay and accept whatever life offers just to not burden the ppl around me but the frustration and lethargy from life always pushes me back and forth.

 

[NonEssential]

to ctb is a very serious task so it's only natural to go back and forth about it.

 

[polly10]

im so tired and depressed. i lost my cat, my soul, my everything. uni is hard. i dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. i want to relapse cutting. i should study for exams but i barely have the energy to care for myself. i hate my body and i just wish i had a partner.
i dont want to keep living this life.
but at the same time there r many things i enjoy. i love hanging out with others, i love consuming my favorite media, there r things i wanna watch and play, my mother would be so sad and threatened suicide if i do end my life.

idk what to do. if i order SN i might use it impulsively. im gonna turn 23 this year but idk if there is hope for me. what if i stay lonely forever? i dont even have the hope that i will find a boyfriend bc im scared of being abused, manipulated, gaslighted, r worded and so more. im very passionate abt woman rights but i fear it just shows me the reality of how a majority of men think and act towards woman.

psa: do not comment on this if you have something shitty to say abt woman or associate with the incel mindset. this is not abt you. i dont want to have a political discussion bc im venting and im tired. if you disagree with my suffering as a woman i suggest checking your abillity for empathy.
i left this site bc of being harrassed by a man on this website i dont want that to happen again. let me just vent about kms and leave me alone. thank you.

What does CTB mean? I'm new here

 

[CanIStopTryingNow]

What does CTB mean? I'm new here

Catch the Bus - complete your suicide

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Hope things get better for you. I know uni can be extremely difficult at times, and I'm extremely sorry for the loss of your cat. I don't really have much to say besides that, I apologize.

 

[Languish]

You're suicidal just for thinking about it. You don't have to act on it, or commit to it, to be suicidal.

 

[CanIStopTryingNow]

I think going back and forth many times is normal, either day by day/hour by hour or back and forth with cycling mood episodes. The desire to die can be very intense, but the survival instinct is also very intense.

 

[yearofluigi]

I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not you deserve to call yourself suicidal. Your struggles are valid even if you have good days too.

I go back and forth a lot too. You can't take back suicide, so it's a decision you have to take really seriously. Going back and forth is a good thing in that sense, since it means you're properly thinking things through.

Sorry to hear about the harassment. I hope the community here treats you better this time around.

 

[milkteacrown]

i completely understand and empathize with your stance on men. the idea of only being attracted to an oppressive class of people who might only see you as meat is terrifying (if you're straight) and i don't blame you at all for being lonely because of that.

the way i see it, everyone posting on this website is alive at this moment in time. i would never worry about whether you're "really" suicidal when all of us have at least something that keeps us alive at the moment.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I think we are the most serious about the decisions we take time to think deeply about and go back and forth on in life.

As to whether the positives in your life outweigh the negatives- only you can judge that really. It's natural, maybe sensible I'd say to be cautious not to be taken advantage of, or abused in life, via any type of relationship really. Still, while it may be understandable to distrust the opposite sex- especially if you've had or witnessed unpleasant things, it doesn't mean they are all untrustworthy. You don't know for sure you won't meet someone nice. It's all just open possibilities at the moment. It's up to you whether you feel it's worth hanging around to find out.

I would say that SN isn't the most forgiving method for impulsive attempts. Also, if the decision to CTB is one that you are so back and forth on and you do tend to act impulsively, I'm not sure it would be all that good to have it on hand. There again, you need to weigh that against the possibility it may become harder to obtain in future.

I hope things do work out for you though. I suppose I see anyone who has some hope/ enjoyment left as having a better shot at enjoying life. Also, suicide can usually be an option later down the road, if we're not sure about it now.

 

[slightoverlooked]

I think going back and forth many times is normal, either day by day/hour by hour or back and forth with cycling mood episodes. The desire to die can be very intense, but the survival instinct is also very intense.

yes :(( i do have lots of mood shifts and tend to be impulsive. my therapist told me it could be cyclothymia but idk. all my previous attempts were impulsive :((

I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not you deserve to call yourself suicidal. Your struggles are valid even if you have good days too.

I go back and forth a lot too. You can't take back suicide, so it's a decision you have to take really seriously. Going back and forth is a good thing in that sense, since it means you're properly thinking things through.

Sorry to hear about the harassment. I hope the community here treats you better this time around.

thank you :(( im rlly trying to think things thru but when im very tired and feel hopeless i tell myself it doesnt matter if the decision is right or wrong...or if there is even a "right" decision...its hard. i wish my mother hated me so suicide would come easier to me. i would put all my energy into trying to die then bc shes the main reason im still here.

i completely understand and empathize with your stance on men. the idea of only being attracted to an oppressive class of people who might only see you as meat is terrifying (if you're straight) and i don't blame you at all for being lonely because of that.

the way i see it, everyone posting on this website is alive at this moment in time. i would never worry about whether you're "really" suicidal when all of us have at least something that keeps us alive at the moment.

its so sad :(( im genuinely scared of ending up in a relationship like that or just stay lonely forever. i rlly want to be loved. i crave romantic love. but men hate us. how am i supposed to trust a man if sometimes the men you trust the most do the worst things possible to you? when you cant even go outside at night without being scared...
i just want an innocent love with a partner that loves my soul and i love theirs. without looking down on me.

Personally, I think we are the most serious about the decisions we take time to think deeply about and go back and forth on in life.

As to whether the positives in your life outweigh the negatives- only you can judge that really. It's natural, maybe sensible I'd say to be cautious not to be taken advantage of, or abused in life, via any type of relationship really. Still, while it may be understandable to distrust the opposite sex- especially if you've had or witnessed unpleasant things, it doesn't mean they are all untrustworthy. You don't know for sure you won't meet someone nice. It's all just open possibilities at the moment. It's up to you whether you feel it's worth hanging around to find out.

I would say that SN isn't the most forgiving method for impulsive attempts. Also, if the decision to CTB is one that you are so back and forth on and you do tend to act impulsively, I'm not sure it would be all that good to have it on hand. There again, you need to weigh that against the possibility it may become harder to obtain in future.

I hope things do work out for you though. I suppose I see anyone who has some hope/ enjoyment left as having a better shot at enjoying life. Also, suicide can usually be an option later down the road, if we're not sure about it now.

yea ur right :((
and for sure! i have an open mind for every human. but just again and again i get dissapointed by male friends, looking at the news and just hearing what my other girl friends go through.
the other day a guy friend of mine told me that woman being murdered and raped is equal to men struggling to finding a girl to have sex which is fucking ridicilous!!!!!!! i couldnt believe it and had to cut him off immediately. its not the first time i experience this.
i was stalked (twice), harrassed (irl and internet), daily disgusting comments/dms on social media...it just never seems to stop.

About Sn...yea thats why i am hesitating on buying it..i havent found it yet but i think im close. I want to buy it bc im scared i wont be able to get it when im 25...and tbh thats when i want to ctb if i do stay single till then...but i am scared i might use it impulsively...i want to die but ig this isnt about me only.

 

[sadalways]

Gosh this thread hit something in me. I feel the same at times when it comes to going back and forth, sometimes i'm like oh well maybe it's a bad idea and at other times i want nothing more but to be gone. The later one seems to happen more frequently.. I crave romantic love too like you said, it's basically why i'm even alive ever since i was a teen (besides the fear of making my mom feel bad), i still have a small hope that i'll find some girl someday that would see me for who i am and want to spend time with me and vice versa, i keep making cute romantic scenarios in my head even though they make me really sad, but at the same time... that's super unrealistic for me, i'm way too anxious for real life interactions, with no plans in life or hobbies, and even if a miracle happened i'd probably fall for someone that'd take advantage of me and make me feel even worse since my standards are pretty low due to the loneliness over the years, i've been left before purely because i was depressed or with literally no reason, and i'm scared it'd happen again i'm really sorry you have experienced harassment though, no one deserves that and i wish people were fucking normal instead of being hateful towards each other, you sound like a good person and i really do wish the best for you.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Gosh this thread hit something in me. I feel the same at times when it comes to going back and forth, sometimes i'm like oh well maybe it's a bad idea and at other times i want nothing more but to be gone. The later one seems to happen more frequently.. I crave romantic love too like you said, it's basically why i'm even alive ever since i was a teen (besides the fear of making my mom feel bad), i still have a small hope that i'll find some girl someday that would see me for who i am and want to spend time with me and vice versa, i keep making cute romantic scenarios in my head even though they make me really sad, but at the same time... that's super unrealistic for me, i'm way too anxious for real life interactions, with no plans in life or hobbies, and even if a miracle happened i'd probably fall for someone that'd take advantage of me and make me feel even worse since my standards are pretty low due to the loneliness over the years, i've been left before purely because i was depressed or with literally no reason, and i'm scared it'd happen again i'm really sorry you have experienced harassment though, no one deserves that and i wish people were fucking normal instead of being hateful towards each other, you sound like a good person and i really do wish the best for you.

im so sorry and i can relate sm :(( except that im extroverted and go out lots but im still unlucky for some reason. my standards arent low or high i think they are very reasonable but the bar is in hell as they say. some ppl nowadays think that believing woman deserve basic human rights is something special ://

but i can relate to the part of making up scenarios and making urself sad :((
you seem like a gentle soul and i wish you the best. i hope if u decide to keep going u might meet the one :((