Am I just coping with my own cowardice and lack of intelligence?

[Siamese Believe]

I keep consuming stories about other people dying horrific and slow deaths to try and make it seem smaller what I'll have to do in order to escape. I tell myself "at least my method is quick despite the pain". And even if it wasn't quick, there's still so many much worse ways to go out. People have done far worse to escape, there's also strong meaning in dying a painful death.

It can leave a powerful message, it can show people just how much you were truly discontent with your life, how far you were willing to go, how much you weren't willing to lay down and accept your circumstances. They expected you to keep taking it all but you proved them wrong despite all odds. I feel pathetic for thinking like this, but it helps me. But it feels like I'm simply coping because I'm not clever enough to kill myself without pain.

 

[Gangrel]

i feel like dying with pain will bring nothing but suffering, sooner or later people will forget and the pain will be for nothing, that's just my opinion though

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I keep consuming stories about other people dying horrific and slow deaths to try and make it seem smaller what I'll have to do in order to escape. I tell myself "at least my method is quick despite the pain". And even if it wasn't quick, there's still so many much worse ways to go out. People have done far worse to escape, there's also strong meaning in dying a painful death.

It can leave a powerful message, it can show people just how much you were truly discontent with your life, how far you were willing to go, how much you weren't willing to lay down and accept your circumstances. They expected you to keep taking it all but you proved them wrong despite all odds. I feel pathetic for thinking like this, but it helps me. But it feels like I'm simply coping because I'm not clever enough to kill myself without pain.

I think life (and death) are tough enough as it is, no reason to do something in an unnecessarily painful way just to send a message. Idk, I don't know you but do you think it's possible that you're underestimating yourself? I was reading about CO here last night… you may have more options than what you're limiting yourself to.

 

[fadedghost]

I keep consuming stories about other people dying horrific and slow deaths to try and make it seem smaller what I'll have to do in order to escape. I tell myself "at least my method is quick despite the pain". And even if it wasn't quick, there's still so many much worse ways to go out. People have done far worse to escape, there's also strong meaning in dying a painful death.

It can leave a powerful message, it can show people just how much you were truly discontent with your life, how far you were willing to go, how much you weren't willing to lay down and accept your circumstances. They expected you to keep taking it all but you proved them wrong despite all odds. I feel pathetic for thinking like this, but it helps me. But it feels like I'm simply coping because I'm not clever enough to kill myself without pain.

i don't think it's a lack of cleverness.

suicidal feelings make it much harder to get anything done. it's like your brain rebels, the survival part trying to prevent you from doing stuff

it's normal for suicidal people to have these difficulties

it also has taken me about 1 year to get all the parts needed for my kit, and in theory, it could have taken about 5 weeks... but everything is slower... and i'm scared, and upset, and feel ripped off that some people have it better than i do, and feel angry at how much i've been hurt by awful people

being suicidal is horrible, committing suicide is often difficult and horrible. on rare instances, people are able to do it in an easy even gallant manner, like when they have a horrible fatal illness and go out on their own terms in an easy way with the support of others, but usually it's always awful

i am so sorry you are going through this, but i also think your conflicting and upset feelings are normal for a suicidal person.

if it makes you feel any better, i go through a ton of conflicting feelings too, and don't know if i will end up ending things, and have questions and reluctance about my method

(disclaimer: don't commit suicide and call 988 so you can be hospitalized and forced on medications that will make you twitch and so they can bill you thousands and thousands of dollars for being locked up, which is what society wants apparently. i am not encouraging any suicides.)

also pain is awful, i would avoid any methods that are painful if you can. i am saying this as someone who failed an attempt once

 

[Morris1211]

i don't think it's a lack of cleverness.

suicidal feelings make it much harder to get anything done. it's like your brain rebels, the survival part trying to prevent you from doing stuff

it's normal for suicidal people to have these difficulties

it also has taken me about 1 year to get all the parts needed for my kit, and in theory, it could have taken about 5 weeks... but everything is slower... and i'm scared, and upset, and feel ripped off that some people have it better than i do, and feel angry at how much i've been hurt by awful people

being suicidal is horrible, committing suicide is often difficult and horrible. on rare instances, people are able to do it in an easy even gallant manner, like when they have a horrible fatal illness and go out on their own terms in an easy way with the support of others, but usually it's always awful

i am so sorry you are going through this, but i also think your conflicting and upset feelings are normal for a suicidal person.

if it makes you feel any better, i go through a ton of conflicting feelings too, and don't know if i will end up ending things, and have questions and reluctance about my method

(disclaimer: don't commit suicide and call 988 so you can be hospitalized and forced on medications that will make you twitch and so they can bill you thousands and thousands of dollars for being locked up, which is what society wants apparently. i am not encouraging any suicides.)

also pain is awful, i would avoid any methods that are painful if you can. i am saying this as someone who failed an attempt once

What attempt did you fail at if you don't mind sharing?

 

[fadedghost]

What attempt did you fail at if you don't mind sharing?

I tried to poison myself. I also didn't have access to the Internet at the time or sanctioned-suicide and didn't know the poison chosen was a non-method.

 

[Morris1211]

I tried to poison myself. I also didn't have access to the Internet at the time or sanctioned-suicide and didn't know the poison chosen was a non-method.

What poison did you use?

 

[fadedghost]

What poison did you use?

I'd rather not say, because there are medical records I used that poison and it could be identifying, but it is a poison that never works, and it's discussed how it never works in the non-methods post about methods that never ever work.