Discussion Am I a bad person?

[collidedsigns]

Next year I'm meant to be moving in with one of my friends. She's super excited about it but I plan to ctb before then. I was hoping this would even be my last weekend.

She's so nice to me. She always lets me stay at her apartment during long uni days to nap during my breaks. She always offers me drinks, cooks for me etc. I really do appreciate her so much but I'm just frustrated because every time she talks about us living together she tells me how great it's going to be and I just look and smile. Knowing deep down I probably won't make it till then.

I feel awful about it. She even said to me if I ctb she will do the same as a result which personally I don't think you should say to another person but still she clearly is truly happy thinking about us having a house together but I just don't know if I can do it. I'm so tired and just want to get my eternal sleep.

Does this make me a bad person? I'm technically screwing her over big time but I don't intend to do that to her. I don't want to hurt her but I also can't keep living in the world pretending I'm okay with it when I'm not. I sometimes hate the fact I ever met people who I actually get along with because now I have to factor them into my decisions. Any advice?

 

[gunmetalblue11]

She even said to me if I ctb she will do the same as a result which personally I don't think you should say to another person

This seems like some level of bad co-dependency. Also if she said that, maybe she herself is secretly struggling too.

As for if you are a bad person well, it guess that's a complicated question. I don't think people are bad for taking their own lives in general, it is a choice. If no arrangements have been made for the flat you both have planned to move in together with are made, such as down payments or such, and if you do ctb you aren't leaving her with dept, a loss of money, or a lease of an appartement she could not pay for alone, it is in my eyes less 'wrong' per say. Your passing with probably hurt her, and others, and that's something that has to be acknowledged and grieved.
All actions have consequences

 

[Alpacachino]

Your problems are way bigger than hers. Don't worry about it. You're not a bad person at all. In fact, you're taking the time to consider her feelings even when you're struggling yourself.you're doing good.
She seems like a good person and she cares about you. Make sure to let her know that.That's enough.

 

[IamBecomeWorm]

I do not know if it makes you a good or bad person. At the very least you have no malice or intention to hurt, so that's a pretty good start.

If your relationship runs deep and your friend is truly accepting of your choice, then is an honest conversation on the table? Perhaps they could say their goodbyes.
obviously things usually aren't so straightforwards. It's your choice.

best of luck.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Any advice?

Unless you have kids or pets, I don't think you're obligated to live for anyone else.

That said, you seem to have a good friend. Consider alternatives carefully. Is suicide truly what you want, given current circumstances?
The death of a friend will be painful, there's really no way around that.

 

[Reywashere]

Next year I'm meant to be moving in with one of my friends. She's super excited about it but I plan to ctb before then. I was hoping this would even be my last weekend.

She's so nice to me. She always lets me stay at her apartment during long uni days to nap during my breaks. She always offers me drinks, cooks for me etc. I really do appreciate her so much but I'm just frustrated because every time she talks about us living together she tells me how great it's going to be and I just look and smile. Knowing deep down I probably won't make it till then.

I feel awful about it. She even said to me if I ctb she will do the same as a result which personally I don't think you should say to another person but still she clearly is truly happy thinking about us having a house together but I just don't know if I can do it. I'm so tired and just want to get my eternal sleep.

Does this make me a bad person? I'm technically screwing her over big time but I don't intend to do that to her. I don't want to hurt her but I also can't keep living in the world pretending I'm okay with it when I'm not. I sometimes hate the fact I ever met people who I actually get along with because now I have to factor them into my decisions. Any advice?

I think you should tell her that you don't plan to move in with her. Make up an excuse or wtv. Especially if she's expecting some financial support from you moving in with her. I think people in the comments fail to understand that other people still depend on us on some things and it isn't usually a bad thing. In the end we are humans we need each other. You mean something to her and that's not her fault or yours ig but both of you contribute to this. It's beautiful and I don't think you should throw it away without a fair closure to her.

 

[collidedsigns]

This seems like some level of bad co-dependency. Also if she said that, maybe she herself is secretly struggling too.

As for if you are a bad person well, it guess that's a complicated question. I don't think people are bad for taking their own lives in general, it is a choice. If no arrangements have been made for the flat you both have planned to move in together with are made, such as down payments or such, and if you do ctb you aren't leaving her with dept, a loss of money, or a lease of an appartement she could not pay for alone, it is in my eyes less 'wrong' per say. Your passing with probably hurt her, and others, and that's something that has to be acknowledged and grieved.
All actions have consequences

I completely agree our relationship is bad in the sense we both have BPD, though she shows her depression much more outwardly than I do. I don't like opening up to her since she always says I'm silly for being suicidal and that I need to remember we're moving in together so it will all be okay, which sadly isn't true, nothing can fix the pain I'm in I've tried everything.

We technically don't have any arrangements in place, we don't have a place picked out, no tenancy agreements it's more just an idea. So I don't have to worry about her losing any money or anything.

I hate the idea of leaving her in this world however it feels so unfair I stay alive for her and others. I'm not here by choice more just feeling like I have to be for everyone else. It's so draining.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I think it's as you said, you are two extremely good friends that just have a different way of processing your depression and she is scared to hear you talk about it because deep down she might also feel the pull towards suicide.

I am so mad that you two have to suffer this way, this cursed world is not fair for either of you and it's not your fault for feeling this way; it is justified to feel drained and wish for a way out.

Whether you continue or not, know that it was in your right to choose either options, not anyone else's

I wish I could've taken your pain away so you could both live in peace together, you are not a bad person and neither is your friend, you are just victims of this shitty world, the human body and it's shitty design, but not in my eyes, in my eyes you both tried your best, no matter the outcome.

 

[Firaga]

I completely agree our relationship is bad in the sense we both have BPD, though she shows her depression much more outwardly than I do. I don't like opening up to her since she always says I'm silly for being suicidal and that I need to remember we're moving in together so it will all be okay, which sadly isn't true, nothing can fix the pain I'm in I've tried everything.

We technically don't have any arrangements in place, we don't have a place picked out, no tenancy agreements it's more just an idea. So I don't have to worry about her losing any money or anything.

I hate the idea of leaving her in this world however it feels so unfair I stay alive for her and others. I'm not here by choice more just feeling like I have to be for everyone else. It's so draining.

Have you considered telling her how it makes you feel when she says you're "silly" for being suicidal? It sounds to me like that's her method of coping, and not how she actually feels. Perhaps if you told her how invalidated it made you feel, you two might have an opportunity to have a much-needed conversation about it all.

 

[Xiaojiu]

I feel the same way that you do. Asking myself, "Am I a bad person?" But, I'm married and it's regards to my husband who is my caregiver and I'm disabled.

I don't think you're a bad person because you haven't gotten into any financial commitments with her (rental lease contract, a house, etc.). If you're going to CTB, just don't move in with her tbh. O:

My husband wants to buy a house under our name, and I told him I don't feel comfortable doing that at all

 

[HangMan123]

Nobody can tell you whether you're a bad person or not because that's entirely subjective.
Hitler murdered millions and thought of himself as a good person. So did a lot of others. The rest of the world saw him as trash.
See what I mean?
In my opinion, you're not a bad person; you're just a person who is in a lot of pain. And the fact that you're still thinking of your friend during a crisis like this is proof to me that you're a good person.

 

[collidedsigns]

Have you considered telling her how it makes you feel when she says you're "silly" for being suicidal? It sounds to me like that's her method of coping, and not how she actually feels. Perhaps if you told her how invalidated it made you feel, you two might have an opportunity to have a much-needed conversation about it all.

I do debate this a lot in my head. However I'm not a confrontational person at all. If someone gives me the instruction to do something I just do it. I am a total pushover. I should tell her that she makes me feel invalidated but I don't want to upset her. I think I've just gotten to the point where I think so little of myself that I feel my own emotions don't matter as long as everyone around me is okay. I try to fix it but always fall back into old habits since it's how I stop getting riddled with anxiety.

 

[Firaga]

I do debate this a lot in my head. However I'm not a confrontational person at all. If someone gives me the instruction to do something I just do it. I am a total pushover. I should tell her that she makes me feel invalidated but I don't want to upset her. I think I've just gotten to the point where I think so little of myself that I feel my own emotions don't matter as long as everyone around me is okay. I try to fix it but always fall back into old habits since it's how I stop getting riddled with anxiety.

That's valid. I'm sure your feelings have been informed by your experiences and your traumas.

Have you ever considered that, if you were to talk to her about it in the right way, she might even like and respect you more?

I don't know if you have any experience with DBT, but they have a great section on interpersonal communication stuff that would help out perfectly in a situation like this. I also don't want to overwhelm you with suggestions - I just sincerely hope that you get this figured out with her, because it does not sound like the current dynamic is serving either of you!

Life is complicated.