im 19 yrs old, i was born with a disabillity called Kniest dysplasia with a side effect of Clubbed feet. Ive been thru many surgeries and casting periods but i still ended up with fused ankles and rigid afos, both of my knees are also fucked up so i get alot of pain when walking or even standing for like 20 minutes. Now im grateful i can even get up and walk on my own 2 feet and use my arms n shit, but ive always been an energetic person, hard to sit still unless im hyper focused, So ive always felt restrained and jealous watching everyone around me do normal things. I was also born into a shitty family, that also loves the shit out of me. My mom was addicted to meth before i was born and got sober when i was around 2yrs old, shes admitted to smoking when pregnant with me. My dad is also an alcoholic, but so is his father. I had to witness so many fights turned violent, all fueled by alcohol. Ive had to watch my mom and sister physically fight and the cops came into my house, i barely remember my oldest sister, its like she doesnt exist to me. ive had to see my mom and dad split and get back together multiple times, then my 4 siblings and i ended up living in a motel in the worst part of town after the last fight, all because my mom wanted to cheat. I fr cant recall all of the different homes ive bounced between. Every partner my mom and dad chose were so shitty aswell. they ALL ended up physically fighting. Back to my disabillity, ive been called extremely unique by my doctors and all of my medical folders are like a foot thick lmao. i hate being in this limbo where i feel the need to be always extremely grateful for my situation because there are people in much much worse situations, but i fuckin hate not being able to physically push my body and exercise like i truly want to. Going thru life while short, disabled, and sensitive is miserable. Ive never ever been able to take a joke about my disabillity or the way i look, ive only gotten better and masking my true reaction. This has created alot of embarrasing moments for me. at the start of 6th grade, i was wayy more social and happier than i was by the time quarantine rolled around. i remember 8th grade i had to take this drama class and the whole year we were practicing for this show, but when covid started i was so relieved that we wouldnt have to perform, it was like heaven for me. i never did any online school work i only had any interest in fucking off and playing video games, which ofc led to fights with my mother and i became very very depressed during this time. The last fight we had was when i locked my door because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and she just started banging on the door and screaming to open it up, this made me freeze and start panicking, literally felt like that shining scene lmao, she started unscrewing the door handle and i stupidly wrote on a piece of paper "im going to kill myself" and slipped it under the door, everytime i think about this i cringe, doesnt even feel like me who did that. She started going even crazier and eventually got the door open, i ran to my bed and she smacked TF out of my ass cheeks, which she has never really done before so that kinda traumatized me. ikik it was only a smack to the ass, wah wahh. I honestly dont know how she didnt send me to a psych ward. a while after that i was still not doing jack with online school and still felt the same. so my dad persuaded me to move in with him, i was 15 at the time. My dad has been working as a Correctional Officer in a very dangerous prison since he was 23, he is 48 now, and miserable. my grandpa was away for weeks at a time working on Black projects for lockheed and northrop and couldnt say anything while my dad was a child, so this created a weird relationship between them im sure. my grandpa did work at area 51 but no aliens lol just working on the f117 and b2 bomber, sick asf right. They have both been alcoholics their whole lives. I dont remember a single day seeing my dad sober. my mother also still has a drinking problem, she got my older sister into it and shes drinking now too. My mom is taking great care of her 2 grandkids becuase her first born was a fuckup, BECAUSE OF HER!! but anyways i started going back in person sophmore year of highscool, and it didnt last long. this is when i really realized i have social anxiety but i didnt know what to call it. i started talking to this one girl in my class who is kinda evil. She would constantly joke with me that shes in love with me then say things like ew id never date a short guy, so i was just so confused and this angered me i would lash out on her and it would get awkward. We really did get along but things just got weird so quick, so this made me stop going to school along with the pain i was having from walking around a bigger school with a heavy bookbag. then jan 2022 i get the biggest sugery yet and switched back to online learning . taylor spatial frame, this was a limb lengthening surgery and it corrected my foot posture alot. I wasmt able to stand up or walk without a walker or crutches for abt 4 months, the recovery sucked. once i started walking again my knees got issues because of not exercising for so long. i pretty much was the same way with school work as i was in quarantine, i refused to do it. i really fucking regret being like this because it caused so much unecessary stress for me and my parents. i started smoking weed at 16yrs old in jan 2023, and havent stopped since. i can suck thru a 2g cart and nicotine vape in less than a week. im honestly already starting to feel the effects in my lungs and maybe even my brain. I just feel slower like it cant retain information like i used to. ive been realizing lately i dont remember alot movies or games ive played while high in isolation, its truly mind numbing just being inside all the time being high, but thats exactly what i wanted. i was scared to go out and meet new people because i dont trust anyone. Ive lost friends and am startig to not talk with family as much because im so ashamed and just cant open up. this girl ive been friends with but also have caught feelings for on and off like the last 10 years, which is fucking torture because she never liked me back and wanted to stay friends. But shes too nice of a person and weve gotten too close where i cant just cut her off. its just been so hard because shes the only woman who's ever been this forgiving with me and understanding, it makes me more attached to her. but I dont think she could ever look at me more than a friend since no woman ever reciprocated feelings whether because of the way I act or look, its always made me feel like a little boy. ill never be a man. but shes been asking more and more to hangout and I just dont wanna get feelings again and I cant tell her, so now its kinds awkward and we arent talking. I also lied to my mom and told her that I do hang out with her sometimes, she said awww how cute ur hanging out with someone, and ik that was good willed but fuck that hurt my ego. im just so lost, i having literally no responsibilities and do nothing all day everyday except smoke weed and vape. I'm actually so useless, and i wanna quit but its gonna so hard around my dad because he has villianized weed, and if he figures out how much ive been smoking idk how he will view me after. I feel so fucked up especially because my mom went thru an addiction and I shouldve learned from that. ive been feeling really suicidal on and off for a long time and it just feels like time is running out, like I NEED to do it soon. if you read all the way to this point im honestly surprised, but there is so much other shit I can ramble on about but my fingers are getting tired lol.
I cant even talk to new people online either, my personality like flips
I cant even talk to new people online either, my personality like flips
