Venting Absolutely fucking miserable…

[Mooncry]

I hate this. I hate this so damn much. I'm not usually one to vent like this but this is the worst I've ever been, ever.

The anhedonia is killing me. It's never been this bad and I can't cope. Nothing feels good. NOTHING. All I do every day is bedrot while endlessly scrolling YouTube and never watching more than 5 minutes of a video because nothing is interesting anymore.

No video games. No hobbies. No food. I can't even sleep anymore. The constant lack of stimulation is actually giving me a headache.

I can source SN and have the website bookmarked and it's like it's taunting me because I can't fucking buy it without money. Fuck my inability to hold a job. Fuck being so mentally disabled I can barely even classify myself as a person. I want this year to be my last but hoping and praying I somehow get enough money to purchase my SN is a fucking gamble.

I refuse to steal. I refuse to do undignified things to get what I want—what I need. I'm not going out like that… I'm better than that. Please, god, I'm better than that…

As fucking always, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and forced to wait. I can't escape it. I swear something is trying to keep me here. I want to be DONE.

 

[Slipofthetrigger]

I'm sorry to hear your pain. I relate too much to the bedrotting. As of late, I've been stuck in my bed doing nothing but doom scrolling because very few things entice me to get out of bed. Doing basic self care tasks have become a nightmare to get done now. I can understand your predicament a bit. Although I do have a job, almost all my money goes to bills, so buying things that I need become very difficult.

 

[Mooncry]

I'm sorry to hear your pain. I relate too much to the bedrotting. As of late, I've been stuck in my bed doing nothing but doom scrolling because very few things entice me to get out of bed. Doing basic self care tasks have become a nightmare to get done now. I can understand your predicament a bit. Although I do have a job, almost all my money goes to bills, so buying things that I need become very difficult.

Completely understand that. I neglect my self care a lot more than I used to. I used to love a nice bath and using my sugar scrubs and stuff, but now I cannot find the motivation for anything but a quick shower and to brush my teeth, then it's back to bed.

I'm sorry to hear you can relate. I would, in fact, wish this on my worst enemy because it is hell to live this way.

 

[Crow_88]

This post resonates with me. I'm not even going to get into it; just to stay that this connected. 'Can barely even classify myself as a person' - how right you are.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be free from it all, I find it torturous to exist as well, I certainly get that it's so dreadful suffering in this existence.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I commiserate with the bedrotting and mental disabilities. I am not living either. I am a ghost. I'm sorry you suffer as well.

 

[SleepingSheep]

Same, your post remind me few years ago. Even back then, when I was neeting I lost all motivation for my hobbies, playing, even watching YouTube. Everything felt heavy, like my brain was weighed down by an anvil. Breathing felt hard, and being autistic made it even worse, there was no one to talk to, no way to explain what was happening.

My parents eventually caught on and started forcing me out of the house. Shopping with my mom, tagging along to their work, until three times a week, doing nothing all day or maybe time to time helping them tidy up some paper eventually. I hated it. It made me so angry. Seeing other their coworkers made me anxious, so I just stayed silent, embarrassed, waiting for it to be over.

But somehow, after a few weeks, my brain started feeling… normal again. Around the same time, I saw this gaming YouTuber, forgot his name, who talked about going through the same thing. He spent all day inside making videos at home until he finally rented a workplace just so he'd have somewhere to go. Then I came across videos on Universe 25, a rat experiment where they had unlimited food but still self-destructed or ones about dopamine detox. It all clicked. We aren't meant to stay in the same place. It messes with our brains.

Still rotting, obviously, otherwise, I wouldn't be on this site. But at least it's not as bad as this period.

 

[SadFoxDreamer83]

Odio esto. Odio esto muchísimo. No suelo desahogarme así, pero esto es lo peor que he hecho en mi vida.

La anhedonia me está matando. Nunca había estado tan mal y no puedo soportarlo. Nada me hace sentir bien. NADA. Lo único que hago todos los días es pudrirme en la cama mientras navego sin parar por YouTube y nunca miro más de 5 minutos de un video porque ya nada me resulta interesante.

No juego videojuegos, no practico pasatiempos, no como. Ya ni siquiera puedo dormir. La falta constante de estimulación me está dando dolor de cabeza.

Puedo conseguir SN y tener el sitio web marcado como favorito y es como si se estuviera burlando de mí porque no puedo comprarlo sin dinero. A la mierda mi incapacidad para mantener un trabajo. A la mierda ser tan discapacitado mental que apenas puedo clasificarme como persona. Quiero que este sea mi último año, pero esperar y rezar para conseguir de alguna manera el dinero suficiente para comprar mi SN es una maldita apuesta.

Me niego a robar. Me niego a hacer cosas indignas para conseguir lo que quiero, lo que necesito . No voy a salir así... Soy mejor que eso. Por favor, Dios, soy mejor que eso...

Como siempre, estoy entre la espada y la pared y me veo obligado a esperar. No puedo escapar de ello. Juro que algo está intentando retenerme aquí. Quiero TERMINAR.

Esos días son los peores para mí, esos días en los que no podemos ni levantarnos de la cama. Por eso tengo una libreta en la mesilla de noche, y esos días intento apuntar ideas, cosas que me gustaría que pasaran, cosas sobre Japón, que siempre me produce una extraña fascinación, cosas así. Sé que es muy difícil encontrar un motivo que te motive lo suficiente para poder luchar contra la depresión que te atrapa y no te deja moverte.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Low-dose Adderall is the only thing that gets my motor running.

 

[Catchingdabus27]

Really where im at/ relate a lot. Srry you're experiencing this.