A sick, animalistic fear of death

[NameOfAction]

I found out SN is readily available to me.

Every time I think about it, ingesting literal poison that will thicken my blood to the consistency of mud, make my heart beat like I'm running, make my breathing shallows and difficult, will make me throw up or, if antiemetics taken, feel sick and heaving till I finally pass out, lips and fingernails blue, skin yellow.

It makes me whimper, fills me with dread and preemptive SI, my eyes widen and fill with tears. I can't bear it. Shakes me to the core just to think of it.

Still, filling out the order. I want to scream in sheer horror

Help?

 

[kenz]

You write beautifully

 

[pelicanportal]

Is this your chosen method? Maybe considering being open to some others. It is a scary thing, it is ok to have fear.

 

[NameOfAction]

Is this your chosen method? Maybe considering being open to some others. It is a scary thing, it is ok to have fear.

No, it's a more readily available option with less preparation involved.

I'd like to go out in a Gas Monkey inert gas setup. It's incredible, like a mix or fighter jet jump seat and a TARDIS. But quite difficult to source and set up everything, I'm impatient and inconstant, I can't imagine spending so much time building an exit machine.

I'm impulsive, so swallowing SN seems more likely fo me if I keep it around

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, it's a more readily available option with less preparation involved.

I'd like to go out in a Gas Monkey inert gas setup. It's incredible, like a mix or fighter jet jump seat and a TARDIS. But quite difficult to source and set up everything, I'm impatient and inconstant, I can't imagine spending so much time building an exit machine.

I'm impulsive, so swallowing SN seems more likely fo me if I keep it around

Is there nothing in between? Perhaps a basic setup that isn't quite as complex but still works? It might not be as hard to source the few necessary components as you think. Gas cylinder, three in one regulator/flowmeter/tubing, bag, tape, elastic, don't really need much more than that.

 

[Yogih212]

I found out SN is readily available to me.

Every time I think about it, ingesting literal poison that will thicken my blood to the consistency of mud, make my heart beat like I'm running, make my breathing shallows and difficult, will make me throw up or, if antiemetics taken, feel sick and heaving till I finally pass out, lips and fingernails blue, skin yellow.

It makes me whimper, fills me with dread and preemptive SI, my eyes widen and fill with tears. I can't bear it. Shakes me to the core just to think of it.

Still, filling out the order. I want to scream in sheer horror

Help?

I can resonate with you, I want SN as my way out too, I have no other choice, I personally think I am still in denial of how bad it can be but I am doing so bad already that if this suffering could end despite feeling like absolute hell for some time, if this could end, that would be a mercy.

 

[NameOfAction]

I can resonate with you, I want SN as my way out too, I have no other choice, I personally think I am still in denial of how bad it can be but I am doing so bad already that if this suffering could end despite feeling like absolute hell for some time, if this could end, that would be a mercy.

There are videos here. It's bad

 

[Yogih212]

There are videos here. It's bad

Yeah I saw 2 videos actually one of a chinese guy and another of a pretty skinny guy one here, I'd like to see more videos actually idk why

 

[NameOfAction]

Yeah I saw 2 videos actually one of a chinese guy and another of a pretty skinny guy one here, I'd like to see more videos actually idk why

I can't actually watch any of them. Scares the fuck out of me.
I'm not squeamish and have seen executions, shootings, bombings, war, beheadings etc. on the internet over the years.
Something about a struggling person like me just catching the damned bus makes me cry before the video starts and I click away

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm really scared too. But then, natural death doesn't always look peaceful or pretty either. And it can be far longer drawn out. I suppose I see it as (hopefully) saving me from that at least.

I've thought about wearing gloves- to avoid seeing my fingernails turn blue. I imagine that could be quite distressing. Although, at least I would know it was working. Being sick isn't great but then, when I had gallstones- I was literally forcing myself to be sick in the hopes it would make the agonising pain stop. I suppose I feel like- if I coped with gallstones, I can hopefully do this.

The rapid heart beat and laboured breathing distresses me because I imagine it will make me panic. I just hope I will pass out before it gets really bad. I'm so frightened though. Kind of a sickly fright. When you know it's something you pretty much have to do- or face worse consequences- of all the shitty things in life.

 

[Yogih212]

I'm really scared too. But then, natural death doesn't always look peaceful or pretty either. And it can be far longer drawn out. I suppose I see it as (hopefully) saving me from that at least.

I've thought about wearing gloves- to avoid seeing my fingernails turn blue. I imagine that could be quite distressing. Although, at least I would know it was working. Being sick isn't great but then, when I had gallstones- I was literally forcing myself to be sick in the hopes it would make the agonising pain stop. I suppose I feel like- if I coped with gallstones, I can hopefully do this.

The rapid heart beat and laboured breathing distresses me because I imagine it will make me panic. I just hope I will pass out before it gets really bad. I'm so frightened though. Kind of a sickly fright. When you know it's something you pretty much have to do- or face worse consequences- of all the shitty things in life.

Do you want SN to be your method? Do you have that planned

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you want SN to be your method? Do you have that planned

Yes. It's one of the few methods I can at least envisage myself using.

 

[2muchpain2]

SN is the one method I'm really scared of after seeing 1 video of a guy suffering tremendously! Maybe when you are in the moment, it's like being sick, and you just deal with it until you are gone. But, I'd be scared to drink it at all because of what i've seen. But I also say a girl who died peacefully so idk what's true or what to expect.

 

[NameOfAction]

SN is the one method I'm really scared of after seeing 1 video of a guy suffering tremendously! Maybe when you are in the moment, it's like being sick, and you just deal with it until you are gone. But, I'd be scared to drink it at all because of what i've seen. But I also say a girl who died peacefully so idk what's true or what to expect.

It appears to be dose dependant. And antiemetics are a must

 

[radar311]

SN is the one method I'm really scared of after seeing 1 video of a guy suffering tremendously! Maybe when you are in the moment, it's like being sick, and you just deal with it until you are gone. But, I'd be scared to drink it at all because of what i've seen. But I also say a girl who died peacefully so idk what's true or what to expect.

Hi, can you tell me where can I find this video?

 

[2muchpain2]

Hi, can you tell me where can I find this video?

Hi, i actually don't remember where it is. the link was in this forum. just can't remember where. i'm sorry

 

[sourcherry]

maybe if you watch the ctb sn videos enough times you'll get used to it?? idk i feel like alot of it might just be in your own head ruminating how potentially awful its going to be. but if the fear of that is keeping you alive then also idk maybe its a good thing and you actually dont actually want to CTB

 

[ih34rty0u]

i felt exactly the same, but for me it was after placing the order. then the fear came back 2x stronger when opening the package.

don't panic. if end up getting it, remember that you don't even have to open the bottle if it makes you anxious. that's what i did - i kept looking at it for a while, then put it in a plastic bag and hid it at the bottom of the wardrobe.

i think everyone is scared, although some only realize it in their final moments. you don't need to rush things if you don't feel ready yet.

sometimes even if SN deaths seem terrifying, those people are already not fully conscious when the worst effects kick in, and then barely register what's going on. benzodiazepines also help a lot.