
Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 209
This is pretty normal as the date gets closer, but for me, it's unnerving.
It's been something I've been so sure about. Almost as sure as I am in transitioning. And that's saying a lot.
So why the hell am I having second thoughts? Why the hell am I imagining a future life at times?
I've developed a bit of death anxiety these past weeks. I think my distance from society has played into this as well. I have realized the finality of it all, something that I have of course thought about, but never truly grasped.
But this is what I've wanted for so long. To end my suffering. To end my life. To not experience existence.
And now I feel like I have chance on life? Why?
These feelings are very irrational. I've thought about my suicide in a very logical manner, weighing the pros and cons, coming to a conclusion that this is the best decision for me. I understand how deep and dysfunctional my dysphoria is— it's been so painful it's pushed me into a state of constant dissociation. I can hardly get out of bed. I dislike interacting with the world.
But I feel like I'm missing so much. There's a lot of stuff I've wanted to do before I died. And before this, all of that stuff was obsolete. Quite frankly, it still is.
I believe I'm holding onto hope. That maybe I am compatible with life. That I can fully transition, maintain stability and function. I know I can't. I hate the way this world works and functions. I hate the expectations that are put onto me. I hate the sheer amount of alienation I experience having to close off so much of myself from everyone. All of my thoughts, feelings, beliefs… I would end up in a psych ward if I expressed them.
I know logically that I was just not made to be placed into this society. That I cannot normally interact and do the all the regular human things. I don't enjoy them.
But that emotional side keeps nagging me. What if I could change? What if I could learn to enjoy this society? What if I could make real connections? What if I could do the things I've always wanted to do?
But I can't. And I know that you can never be 100 percent certain, maybe I can change. But why should I continue to try after years of failure? Why should I force myself into more pain and suffering?
I swear. If I didn't have anyone in my life who loved me, I would have been dead such a long time ago. I feel obligated to stay alive for my loved ones, that's what everyone expects of me. And I don't want to cause any pain.
But I'll be dead! I won't have to worry about any of this when I'm dead! I won't be there to witness the fallout of my death!
While I'm still alive though.. yeah it eats at me thinking about what will happen. And it's causing me to have so many second thoughts.
I don't have anything planned for my future other than suicide. I'm not looking forward to really anything other than that. But I've become so deeply dissociated from all of this pain that I deluded myself into hoping for a life I will most likely never have.
Deep down, under all of these layers of dissociation and delusion, I know I still want to die. I still am planning to ctb this mid August.
I'm sorry for the long ramble and the constant usage of "but" and "and" at the beginning of sentences. I'm typing my train of thought so it sounds more like verbal dialogue than written text. I just feel like that's the way I need to express myself on this specific topic tho.
It's been something I've been so sure about. Almost as sure as I am in transitioning. And that's saying a lot.
So why the hell am I having second thoughts? Why the hell am I imagining a future life at times?
I've developed a bit of death anxiety these past weeks. I think my distance from society has played into this as well. I have realized the finality of it all, something that I have of course thought about, but never truly grasped.
But this is what I've wanted for so long. To end my suffering. To end my life. To not experience existence.
And now I feel like I have chance on life? Why?
These feelings are very irrational. I've thought about my suicide in a very logical manner, weighing the pros and cons, coming to a conclusion that this is the best decision for me. I understand how deep and dysfunctional my dysphoria is— it's been so painful it's pushed me into a state of constant dissociation. I can hardly get out of bed. I dislike interacting with the world.
But I feel like I'm missing so much. There's a lot of stuff I've wanted to do before I died. And before this, all of that stuff was obsolete. Quite frankly, it still is.
I believe I'm holding onto hope. That maybe I am compatible with life. That I can fully transition, maintain stability and function. I know I can't. I hate the way this world works and functions. I hate the expectations that are put onto me. I hate the sheer amount of alienation I experience having to close off so much of myself from everyone. All of my thoughts, feelings, beliefs… I would end up in a psych ward if I expressed them.
I know logically that I was just not made to be placed into this society. That I cannot normally interact and do the all the regular human things. I don't enjoy them.
But that emotional side keeps nagging me. What if I could change? What if I could learn to enjoy this society? What if I could make real connections? What if I could do the things I've always wanted to do?
But I can't. And I know that you can never be 100 percent certain, maybe I can change. But why should I continue to try after years of failure? Why should I force myself into more pain and suffering?
I swear. If I didn't have anyone in my life who loved me, I would have been dead such a long time ago. I feel obligated to stay alive for my loved ones, that's what everyone expects of me. And I don't want to cause any pain.
But I'll be dead! I won't have to worry about any of this when I'm dead! I won't be there to witness the fallout of my death!
While I'm still alive though.. yeah it eats at me thinking about what will happen. And it's causing me to have so many second thoughts.
I don't have anything planned for my future other than suicide. I'm not looking forward to really anything other than that. But I've become so deeply dissociated from all of this pain that I deluded myself into hoping for a life I will most likely never have.
Deep down, under all of these layers of dissociation and delusion, I know I still want to die. I still am planning to ctb this mid August.
I'm sorry for the long ramble and the constant usage of "but" and "and" at the beginning of sentences. I'm typing my train of thought so it sounds more like verbal dialogue than written text. I just feel like that's the way I need to express myself on this specific topic tho.