Venting A lot of second thoughts on my planned CTB.

[Droso]

This is pretty normal as the date gets closer, but for me, it's unnerving.

It's been something I've been so sure about. Almost as sure as I am in transitioning. And that's saying a lot.

So why the hell am I having second thoughts? Why the hell am I imagining a future life at times?

I've developed a bit of death anxiety these past weeks. I think my distance from society has played into this as well. I have realized the finality of it all, something that I have of course thought about, but never truly grasped.

But this is what I've wanted for so long. To end my suffering. To end my life. To not experience existence.

And now I feel like I have chance on life? Why?

These feelings are very irrational. I've thought about my suicide in a very logical manner, weighing the pros and cons, coming to a conclusion that this is the best decision for me. I understand how deep and dysfunctional my dysphoria is— it's been so painful it's pushed me into a state of constant dissociation. I can hardly get out of bed. I dislike interacting with the world.

But I feel like I'm missing so much. There's a lot of stuff I've wanted to do before I died. And before this, all of that stuff was obsolete. Quite frankly, it still is.

I believe I'm holding onto hope. That maybe I am compatible with life. That I can fully transition, maintain stability and function. I know I can't. I hate the way this world works and functions. I hate the expectations that are put onto me. I hate the sheer amount of alienation I experience having to close off so much of myself from everyone. All of my thoughts, feelings, beliefs… I would end up in a psych ward if I expressed them.

I know logically that I was just not made to be placed into this society. That I cannot normally interact and do the all the regular human things. I don't enjoy them.

But that emotional side keeps nagging me. What if I could change? What if I could learn to enjoy this society? What if I could make real connections? What if I could do the things I've always wanted to do?

But I can't. And I know that you can never be 100 percent certain, maybe I can change. But why should I continue to try after years of failure? Why should I force myself into more pain and suffering?

I swear. If I didn't have anyone in my life who loved me, I would have been dead such a long time ago. I feel obligated to stay alive for my loved ones, that's what everyone expects of me. And I don't want to cause any pain.

But I'll be dead! I won't have to worry about any of this when I'm dead! I won't be there to witness the fallout of my death!

While I'm still alive though.. yeah it eats at me thinking about what will happen. And it's causing me to have so many second thoughts.

I don't have anything planned for my future other than suicide. I'm not looking forward to really anything other than that. But I've become so deeply dissociated from all of this pain that I deluded myself into hoping for a life I will most likely never have.

Deep down, under all of these layers of dissociation and delusion, I know I still want to die. I still am planning to ctb this mid August.

I'm sorry for the long ramble and the constant usage of "but" and "and" at the beginning of sentences. I'm typing my train of thought so it sounds more like verbal dialogue than written text. I just feel like that's the way I need to express myself on this specific topic tho.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can feel your deep ambiguity. This is how my thoughts about suicide often go, as well. "But..." "If..." "But then...." "Although...."
It's very tiring.

I think you can give yourself some grace to accept you feel uncertain and that you may change your mind. But that also doesn't mean you then have to commit to staying alive for your natural life span, recovering, Living. You can carry on as you are, it might not be very nice at all, but it's still OK.
Maybe you don't do it in August, but a few months later, or next season or next August. That is OK. If you want to go, you can go. And if you decide not to go quite yet, that's also OK. Don't pressurise yourself to feel like you have to be 100% committed to the date you've picked.

We're gonna die one day anyway. We're all just muddling through this crazy reality of living a while and then dying one day. Take it easy if you can. And take care

 

[monetpompo]

We're gonna die one day anyway. We're all just muddling through this crazy reality of living a while and then dying one day. Take it easy if you can. And take care

comforting words to hear as someone also planning to ctb soon. death anxiety is a totally real thing, droso. i'm dealing with it myself and drowning it out by listening to loud music and sleeping during the day. it's been raining a lot this week so i haven't bothered going out to visit the lake ducks or doing anything outside. i planned on ctbing earlier this week but the rain was too much.

maybe you'll be more at peace with your decision when august comes. i feel comfort knowing that i could technically ctb at any time, when the weather lets up anyway, but that i could also not do it and stay inside doing whatever. the choice is always there, even if i'm still suicidal. thinking about the afterlife, the pain of hanging, or the embarrassment of my attempt not working and having to do it again, frustrates me a lot. i've been reminiscing a lot recently about happy memories and my failed relationships and it feels like my brain is trying to reel me back in by thinking about times where i used to feel happy.

That maybe I am compatible with life. That I can fully transition, maintain stability and function. I know I can't. I hate the way this world works and functions. I hate the expectations that are put onto me. I hate the sheer amount of alienation I experience having to close off so much of myself from everyone. All of my thoughts, feelings, beliefs… I would end up in a psych ward if I expressed them.

I know logically that I was just not made to be placed into this society. That I cannot normally interact and do the all the regular human things. I don't enjoy them.

i relate to this part a lot. especially when you mention not enjoying doing regular people things. it's hard to see living that motivating when it's mostly finding little distractions in your day to day life or enjoying small talk, a job, school, relationships. i feel like i'd rather just die than have to be a person, because i know i'm not good at it and i know that if i talked about how i felt on a daily basis people would tell me to grow up. i feel too screwed up to be alive, and maybe you feel the same. while there's probably a parallel universe version of me that learns to cope with my depression and lives a long happy life, my current self doesn't believe that i'm capable of that. i hate when i have fantasies about getting better.

 

[TAW122]

I think it's normal to have second thoughts or doubts about CTB at times. I remember when I was younger, I did have some doubts, but more/less made up my mind and had a mindset more of if xyz happens, or doesn't happen, then I'll do "abc" or so. Like others have said, if you have doubts, there is no pressure to go with one's planned date or so. The only unknown variable for me is the actual moment of the attempt, which I believe that SI would likely interfere with, but with my logical mind and also temperament and steeling my soul for the inevitable, I think (and believe) that I should have an easier, manageable time when I actually attempt (in the future).