usernamesarehard
Member
- Dec 22, 2021
- 69
I don't know if this belongs here. I'm not going to ctb anytime soon, so it feels kind of weird to post in the suicide discussion, but I'm not exactly looking for advice on getting better, just venting. Eh, if this gets removed from here then I guess I'll know.
This is definitely going to give a lot of personally identifiable info, but none of my family knows about this site and I doubt my ex does, so I should be ok. My boyfriend dumped me about 2 weeks ago. Last week, on Tuesday he said he made a mistake. I got my hopes up that we'd be back together and figure things out. I went to his house and spent the night (he works night shift) and when he came home Wednesday things went downhill. We had breakfast and had sex. I thought things were going to be ok. Then he told me later on that day that he realized that he didn't want me. He missed me as a friend and he mistook that as missing the relationship. We had a talk and at the end of it he said he simply doesn't love me anymore. I tolerated a lot of disrespect when he was drinking and that made him lose all respect for me. There were other things, but those are the main reasons.
I had left this site at least a year ago, maybe closer to two. I wasn't in a place where I could ctb and being here just depressed me. Now I'm back. Because I have to reach out to others. I can't stand being alone. I can't stand being isolated.
I'm so tired. So broken. I know it sounds dumb. I made a post about it earlier and others have said that heartbreak goes away at some point and you'll forget all about this as time goes on. But I'm just so done. It's not that I'm depressed and suicidal because I was broke up with. It's that it's the final straw. I've been depressed for over half a decade now and suicidal for probably the same amount of time. Things weren't perfect before, but they were better. He was the only reason I thought, yeah I feel suicidal, but I can't go. Now I don't have that and I'm so tired. I'm tired of waking up every day. I'm tired of going to work everyday. I'm tired of swiping on tinder. I'm tired of saving money for a house I'll probably never own. I'm tired of living in a city I hate that I never wanted to live in that I tried to escape but couldn't because I couldn't find a job out of state. I'm tired of living at home, not being able to be a real adult, but staying because I need to save if I want even a 1% chance of owning a home. I'm tired of being depressed. Of waking up everyday and saying 'FUCK I have to be here for another day.' I have to be responsible. I have to hide it from everyone. No one really cares, so really you're just embarrassing yourself by saying anything. I hate that I have pets. I love them, they're great, but it's so hard to take proper care of them in this state. I'm so tired of crying of not crying of having all these emotions.
I want to go back. Back to a time when I had one reason to keep going. Back when every day didn't feel like a drag, like a chore. Last week being at work was the thing keeping me sane. This week I just want to die and not deal with this shit anymore.
The only reason I'm still here, why I haven't packed up a bag and left to go enjoy my final month and then ctb is because I have some small sliver of hope that my ex will want to try again. But I don't know if or when he will want to and that kills me. He wants to be friends again. Right now my plan is to wait a year after we reconnect and if nothing happens by then, pack up a bag, drive somewhere, block everyone in my phone with the exception of him and 1-2 other people and rent a hotel for a month. Play videogames, enjoy wherever I am, just take a nice month long vacation and then ctb on the last day. I plan on leaving him a note. I'll ask him to not open it until the 27th and in it I'll simply state that I plan to ctb at the end of the month and he has 3-4 days to call if he wants any answers.
But god I don't even want to wait for that. I just want to leave. I have hope that he'll be ready again, but honestly I have no faith. I have a good feeling deep down that he's done with me. I gave him a letter to return if he decides that he is 100% sure that he doesn't want to try again. I haven't gotten it back yet. But yeah that means next to nothing.
Some ctb because they can't find anyone and others ctb because they have lost the person they consider 'the one.' I'm definitely in the second camp.
I don't want to ctb because I got dumped, it's just that getting dumped was the final straw. I've always been scared of death, of making a mistake. I'm just not scared anymore. I'm completely apathetic. Or maybe worse than that I'm just depressed. I'm taking meds. They were doing wonders for helping with my energy and motivation levels. But I'm staying up later and later and waking up later and later.
Feel free to share your thoughts. Like I said I'm not exactly looking for advice, but any would be appreciated.
This is definitely going to give a lot of personally identifiable info, but none of my family knows about this site and I doubt my ex does, so I should be ok. My boyfriend dumped me about 2 weeks ago. Last week, on Tuesday he said he made a mistake. I got my hopes up that we'd be back together and figure things out. I went to his house and spent the night (he works night shift) and when he came home Wednesday things went downhill. We had breakfast and had sex. I thought things were going to be ok. Then he told me later on that day that he realized that he didn't want me. He missed me as a friend and he mistook that as missing the relationship. We had a talk and at the end of it he said he simply doesn't love me anymore. I tolerated a lot of disrespect when he was drinking and that made him lose all respect for me. There were other things, but those are the main reasons.
I had left this site at least a year ago, maybe closer to two. I wasn't in a place where I could ctb and being here just depressed me. Now I'm back. Because I have to reach out to others. I can't stand being alone. I can't stand being isolated.
I'm so tired. So broken. I know it sounds dumb. I made a post about it earlier and others have said that heartbreak goes away at some point and you'll forget all about this as time goes on. But I'm just so done. It's not that I'm depressed and suicidal because I was broke up with. It's that it's the final straw. I've been depressed for over half a decade now and suicidal for probably the same amount of time. Things weren't perfect before, but they were better. He was the only reason I thought, yeah I feel suicidal, but I can't go. Now I don't have that and I'm so tired. I'm tired of waking up every day. I'm tired of going to work everyday. I'm tired of swiping on tinder. I'm tired of saving money for a house I'll probably never own. I'm tired of living in a city I hate that I never wanted to live in that I tried to escape but couldn't because I couldn't find a job out of state. I'm tired of living at home, not being able to be a real adult, but staying because I need to save if I want even a 1% chance of owning a home. I'm tired of being depressed. Of waking up everyday and saying 'FUCK I have to be here for another day.' I have to be responsible. I have to hide it from everyone. No one really cares, so really you're just embarrassing yourself by saying anything. I hate that I have pets. I love them, they're great, but it's so hard to take proper care of them in this state. I'm so tired of crying of not crying of having all these emotions.
I want to go back. Back to a time when I had one reason to keep going. Back when every day didn't feel like a drag, like a chore. Last week being at work was the thing keeping me sane. This week I just want to die and not deal with this shit anymore.
The only reason I'm still here, why I haven't packed up a bag and left to go enjoy my final month and then ctb is because I have some small sliver of hope that my ex will want to try again. But I don't know if or when he will want to and that kills me. He wants to be friends again. Right now my plan is to wait a year after we reconnect and if nothing happens by then, pack up a bag, drive somewhere, block everyone in my phone with the exception of him and 1-2 other people and rent a hotel for a month. Play videogames, enjoy wherever I am, just take a nice month long vacation and then ctb on the last day. I plan on leaving him a note. I'll ask him to not open it until the 27th and in it I'll simply state that I plan to ctb at the end of the month and he has 3-4 days to call if he wants any answers.
But god I don't even want to wait for that. I just want to leave. I have hope that he'll be ready again, but honestly I have no faith. I have a good feeling deep down that he's done with me. I gave him a letter to return if he decides that he is 100% sure that he doesn't want to try again. I haven't gotten it back yet. But yeah that means next to nothing.
Some ctb because they can't find anyone and others ctb because they have lost the person they consider 'the one.' I'm definitely in the second camp.
I don't want to ctb because I got dumped, it's just that getting dumped was the final straw. I've always been scared of death, of making a mistake. I'm just not scared anymore. I'm completely apathetic. Or maybe worse than that I'm just depressed. I'm taking meds. They were doing wonders for helping with my energy and motivation levels. But I'm staying up later and later and waking up later and later.
Feel free to share your thoughts. Like I said I'm not exactly looking for advice, but any would be appreciated.
