Venting 4:44AM- Emotions - Autism Diagnosis

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I came to the realization that if I get my diagnosis in a few hours (havent been able to fall asleep yet, then, even though it will be a big relief for me to know I was right, I might still need to take drugs to function in neurotypical society and play social games, the thing I absolutely fucking hate to do, because I will need money to survive, there is no escaping this simple fact.
I fucking hate most people, I find them stupid and selfish and cruel and like fucking monkeys without a care in the world for good values, and that society won't value me for my true value, but for what bullshit I can conjure up in this godforsaken social shit game we all take a part of, I for the life of me don't wanna get sucked inti this shitty game of politics we call work, but isn't.
Work I can handle, the fucking people and politics of daily life drain my fucking soul away, and it never stops, I will probably fall asleep in a bit, later on imma wake up, wait for my diagnosis and then need to take drugs thrt harm me because without them I can't deal with this DOGSHIT world.
I hate that it it like this. I hate it.
If I could remember how to cry I'd be crying now...
Fucking peopeb

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I'm anxious waiting for this, I slept like 4 hours today, and that was because time would pass faster if I was asleep lol.
16:37
Still nothing.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

It seems I have both autism and adhd.
I don't really know what to make of it right now.
Damn, I was right.

 

[Remember]

If you don't want to deal with people I'd suggest trying to find a nightshift job, preferably at a warehouse or something. There's usually a lot less staff on nightshifts and the ones that are there are too sleepy to want to be social in my experience. Ideally you can try to get a job that lets you wear headphones so you can listen to audiobooks or something while working.

Also, damn Slayers is a good anime.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

If you don't want to deal with people I'd suggest trying to find a nightshift job, preferably at a warehouse or something. There's usually a lot less staff on nightshifts and the ones that are there are too sleepy to want to be social in my experience. Ideally you can try to get a job that lets you wear headphones so you can listen to audiobooks or something while working.

Also, damn Slayers is a good anime.

First of all, I LOVE that you are a fan of Slayers too Rem!
And I know don't really know what I wanna do with my life, like minute to minute, day to day, I don't understand ANYTHING now.
With the economy as it is too, finding work is gonna be hard for anyone, and I'm 5'3, small boned, autistic, and I have a defect where I'm missing my right pectoral muscle (Poland's Syndrome, it's quite uncommon, I recall when a doctor found out and even took a picture of it, cause he only studied that case but never seen it. We didn't notice up till much later on, because I was so slim it wasn't noticiable at first. But yea, it's a thing that limits the strength I have, so a warehouse would wreck me fast. It would be a nice job if I could find something to that matter though, but I just feel like I'm being dropped in, into a harcore world with 1HP, and I don't wanna make mistakes. I kinda wanna maneuver in this world well, but the natural way I do things is really offputting to other people, so, the age old problem of needing money, if I was rich, I could just deal with being a weirdo, but having nothing to my name, It's just a matter of like, navigating the world. And that's like really scary for me at the moment.
Like I don't know what the right way FOR ME would be to "play this game".

Should I embrace being autistic and tell people about that? That I'm bisexual? That I HATE the system? That I see how people are getting ripped off, how things are unfair?
But wait, If I tell them all that, will they buy my labor or goods? Or are they just gonna say "yea you are right" and go pick the sociopath businessman who blows perfumed air into their ears?

I don't have a framework on what to do, really, nothing.

 

[Remember]

It sounds like you have a rough situation. Maybe you can get work with a temp agency, it's not much but it's better than nothing. And sometimes working at those places you find a job you're really good at and get hired full time.

I find accepting and embracing yourself for who you are is the only way to live, if you're all those things I think you should be proud of your uniqueness. As far as how much of that you want to share, it really depends on the company.

There's a lot of people who will give you grace and be more understanding when they know you're autistic, but just as many who would discriminate against you for it! It's similar for being bi and hating the system of opression we live under, some will support it others will disdain it. I'd say you just need to find your people but I'm not the one to talk to about finding people that's for sure.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I got diagnosed with those last year. Learn as much as you can about it. I really recommend Kaelynn Partlow's videos and book.

It seems I have both autism and adhd.
I don't really know what to make of it right now.
Damn, I was right.

 

[cookiencream]

First of all, I LOVE that you are a fan of Slayers too Rem!
And I know don't really know what I wanna do with my life, like minute to minute, day to day, I don't understand ANYTHING now.
With the economy as it is too, finding work is gonna be hard for anyone, and I'm 5'3, small boned, autistic, and I have a defect where I'm missing my right pectoral muscle (Poland's Syndrome, it's quite uncommon, I recall when a doctor found out and even took a picture of it, cause he only studied that case but never seen it. We didn't notice up till much later on, because I was so slim it wasn't noticiable at first. But yea, it's a thing that limits the strength I have, so a warehouse would wreck me fast. It would be a nice job if I could find something to that matter though, but I just feel like I'm being dropped in, into a harcore world with 1HP, and I don't wanna make mistakes. I kinda wanna maneuver in this world well, but the natural way I do things is really offputting to other people, so, the age old problem of needing money, if I was rich, I could just deal with being a weirdo, but having nothing to my name, It's just a matter of like, navigating the world. And that's like really scary for me at the moment.
Like I don't know what the right way FOR ME would be to "play this game".

First of all, I'm glad you finally got your diagnosis! I hope it helped you in some way. Second of all this game is on nightmare mode for anyone who deviates from the norm in any way. I truly truly hate this system, it barely even helps the people it's rigged for and it just screws everyone else over. And I agree with your sentiment about human beings, most of them are so devoid of empathy it's weird (saying this as someone who lacks affective empathy but has good cognitive). (Normal) Human beings feel for others but act in a way that shows the opposite and I never fully got it. Sure I can't feel sad when someone else is sad, but I know I shouldn't add to their sadness yet "Normal" people can't do that. It's strange. Human being cause so much unnecessary suffering for each other, and they don't even benefit half the times. Plus, they're a bit boring to talk to sometimes and it feels actively draining having to put on some sort of mask to appear normal. It's probably why I'm more attracted to "weirdos"

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

First of all, I'm glad you finally got your diagnosis! I hope it helped you in some way. Second of all this game is on nightmare mode for anyone who deviates from the norm in any way. I truly truly hate this system, it barely even helps the people it's rigged for and it just screws everyone else over. And I agree with your sentiment about human beings, most of them are so devoid of empathy it's weird (saying this as someone who lacks affective empathy but has good cognitive). (Normal) Human beings feel for others but act in a way that shows the opposite and I never fully got it. Sure I can't feel sad when someone else is sad, but I know I shouldn't add to their sadness yet "Normal" people can't do that. It's strange. Human being cause so much unnecessary suffering for each other, and they don't even benefit half the times. Plus, they're a bit boring to talk to sometimes and it feels actively draining having to put on some sort of mask to appear normal. It's probably why I'm more attracted to "weirdos"

Yuuup, exactly my experience too! But hey, you can vicarously live through my experience cause I'm gonna try and get a therapist that gets autism and that maybe can help me out here, I'm slowly figuring this shit out, and It may help someone in the diagnosis process aswell, I'm now curious and what tf is gonna happen to me after this realization. I hope that they can "fit me sowhere nice" with good therapy and maybe drugs, but I see there's a lot of therapy to be had, cause Id (i hit enter by mistake)
I don't have a clue on how to live my life, I got a heart to heart with my aunt, she seems to understand me a bit more, and I had an "autistic moment" with her in which she misread something I said (basically how neurotypicals assume shit you didn't say by idk, tone or some shit?) and I explained her what was going on in my head, and that in her head, it was different.
It was weird as fuck. But pretty cool. So yea, I do have this shit for real. Now the issue is, what tf do I do with it?
I will try and read Kaelynn Partlow's book, and I read a bit about aspergers in the past, but what I truly want is some good therapy with someone who gets how my brain works. So yea, a fucking weirdo like me, and like a few of us here in the forum. If anyone is interested, I might post an update here or somewhere? But like, right now I don't feel suicidal, so Idk if this is something like "allowed" in the forum, I don't wanna break any rules. And I really don't know if this is the place for it, I accept DM's if anyone is curious and wants to talk in private, because this process made me (at least for the time being) less suicidal, now I'm curious about this.

 

[cookiencream]

Yuuup, exactly my experience too! But hey, you can vicarously live through my experience cause I'm gonna try and get a therapist that gets autism and that maybe can help me out here, I'm slowly figuring this shit out, and It may help someone in the diagnosis process aswell, I'm now curious and what tf is gonna happen to me after this realization. I hope that they can "fit me sowhere nice" with good therapy and maybe drugs, but I see there's a lot of therapy to be had, cause Id (i hit enter by mistake)
I don't have a clue on how to live my life, I got a heart to heart with my aunt, she seems to understand me a bit more, and I had an "autistic moment" with her in which she misread something I said (basically how neurotypicals assume shit you didn't say by idk, tone or some shit?) and I explained her what was going on in my head, and that in her head, it was different.
It was weird as fuck. But pretty cool. So yea, I do have this shit for real. Now the issue is, what tf do I do with it?
I will try and read Kaelynn Partlow's book, and I read a bit about aspergers in the past, but what I truly want is some good therapy with someone who gets how my brain works. So yea, a fucking weirdo like me, and like a few of us here in the forum. If anyone is interested, I might post an update here or somewhere? But like, right now I don't feel suicidal, so Idk if this is something like "allowed" in the forum, I don't wanna break any rules. And I really don't know if this is the place for it, I accept DM's if anyone is curious and wants to talk in private, because this process made me (at least for the time being) less suicidal, now I'm curious about this.

Don't worry, I won't snitch to the mods even if it is against the rules

 

[TheShadowQueen]

I have autism and adhd too and honestly it's not bad being medicated. I understand the thought of taking medicine forever sucks but I'd rather be functioning than to care about something as small as that. Getting prescribed vyvanse was literally life changing things are actually possible when I take my medicine and I'm not just stuck all day.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I have autism and adhd too and honestly it's not bad being medicated. I understand the thought of taking medicine forever sucks but I'd rather be functioning than to care about something as small as that. Getting prescribed vyvanse was literally life changing things are actually possible when I take my medicine and I'm not just stuck all day.

Okay, nice, what do you take? My current psychiatrist was following the "everyone has a lil bit of autism nowdays, you see people diagnosing themselves on tiktok all day"

Okay, nice, what do you take? My current psychiatrist was following the "everyone has a lil bit of autism nowdays, you see people diagnosing themselves on tiktok all day"

Also I have the icking feeling he may not take the adhd part of it seriously enough to give me medication for it, so I'm not sure about all this, I do want to get the help I need, but I don't wanna be given a "bad medication" and then just have the failure of that med blamed on like "depression"