Venting 20 years suicidal, it hasn't gotten better.

[GraySloth]

I have been suicidal since I was a young child. Since nearly as far back as I can remember I have despised being alive. That feeling has never changed, never wavered, in all this time not once, not for a single moment. If anything it has only gotten worse. I can hardly believe it honestly, if it wasn't so horrible, so miserable, I might even laugh at how perfectly life conspires to torture me. For a long time, I kept going with the attitude of "Just one more day" and back then one more day wasn't so bad, eventually that didn't work anymore and I started trying to leave but that didn't work out, so I just gave up on that. Then I just decided to "live with it", I just won't care anymore, eventually the reaper would come for me, and in the meantime, nothing matters, so I don't gotta worry about anything. So I just lived with a stoic detachment from it all, and I wouldn't describe that as good or nice, but it's tolerable. I have done some stuff along the way, acquired some nice things, made some friends even, but I fucking hate it all. It all causes me nothing but grief. I regret it, I regret making it this far, I just can't believe it. I just can't believe I am here wishing I could tell myself 15 years ago "It gets so much worse than you can imagine, maybe try to leave a little harder" At this point I don't leave purely out of stubbornness, that after all of this, I shouldn't be the one who has to do it. It's almost funny to be here still and wishing that I wasn't, doing all the things that should make it better but somehow only make it worse. How long can it go on? How much worse could it get? It's such a fine balance too because if it gets too much worse an exit might present itself so it really has to ride that line between "this fucking sucks!" and "holy fuck a way out!" So here I am, lower than I have ever been, lower than I could have ever imagined being. At this point, all day every day, I just pray for the end of the world.

 

[human909]

Hello and welcome to the site, I also hate myself for making this far into life. I hope you find peace soon.

 

[LilyLaroux2000]

I can relate... Its aweful... And even my friends in here are trying to make me stay... I hate it so much, it only makes me feel so much saddness and regret. Maybe we could be friends and find a way out together...? Its really hard for me to get any SN or a gun or anything because I live in Europe... Its really sad how people just cant accept death.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as I've always hated existing as well, for me wanting to die really is all I know, more than anything I wish I never suffered in this existence at all but anyway I hope that you find peace.

 

[divinemistress36]

Over 20 years for me. Our souls are so tired

 

[lawlietsph]

I enjoyed to read your thoughts, and the words are 100% relatable. In my case, it's been going on for 15 years and honestly nothing ever gets better.