Venting 10 things i’ll miss (and 5 things i won't)

[comeoutandhauntme]

as my plan becomes more final and i begin to settle in more to the idea that i'll be dying, i've been more melancholy and nostalgic. here are the things that i will miss, if you even have the capacity to do so in death.

1. music. my first love. i have loved it for as long as i can remember, even if i am not very talented in it myself. nothing helps to stabilize my emotions more than a song. countless minutes have been spent on spotify, looping my favorite songs, blasting them in my headphones. the peace that settles in my chest upon hearing the singer's comforting voice, the chills i get during a beat drop, the overwhelming relatability to lyrics. i personally think that there are only few things in this world that are more perfect and beautiful than music. if all goes well, i plan to spend my final moments laying back and falling into my forever sleep with my favorite songs playing beside me.
2. energy drinks. sue me, i love my caffeine lol
3. food. basic, but the things i love, i love. nothing beats the taste of sugar.
4. animals, specifically dogs, and more specifically my dog. i know it is cliche and boring to have dogs as your answer when asked your favorite animal, but truly, they are. i am often told the story of my first interaction with a dog at 6 months old, when it tried to bite me and all i did was laugh. maybe there's a metaphor in there somewhere. but the point is that i have just always loved them, and continue to do so. in a perfect world i would probably spend my life working with and training dogs. my own dog has been a motivator in the past to not ctb, not because he wouldn't be cared for, but because i would just feel guilty leaving him. he wouldn't understand where i went, i know. but i'm not worried for my perfect little guy. my family will gladly take him in i'm sure, and despite him being mine, he's always preferred my mom over me.
5. the feeling of waking up well rested after being exhausted.
6. the sun on your face when the weather is perfect.
7. reading. i'll miss getting sucked into a good story, whether that's a book or a fanfiction (lol).
8. concerts. it's music, but better, because it's live and in person. love that shit.
9. laughter.
10. my friends. i know you're not supposed to say this, but honestly, i think i might love my friends more than my family. they certainly love me for who i am more than my family does. my family is by all means "good;" i was not abused, and i had honestly a privileged, good upbrining. and i love them, and they do love me. the guilt i feel surrounding this is a topic i won't even get into right now. but my family does not know me, not really. they know the fake, surface level me that i present to them in order to stay sane while living with them. they would not care for the person i really am. but my friends? my wonderful, beautiful, pefect, amazing friends? i could go on and on and on and on and on about them. i won't, because we'd be here forever, but i will say this. i have never in my life felt more loved, appreciated, and blessed than with the friends i currently have. these are the people that know the real me, the person i feel i truly am, the good, the bad, the ugly. some of them even had to deal with the drunk side of me, which is not always the prettiest. and yet they stay. they choose to stay and love me and be there for me anyways, even if my brain tries to convince me otherwise sometimes. probably i will miss them the most.

one could argue to me that maybe these are not things i should miss, but rather reasons for me to stay. i wish that these were enough, that the love was enough, that i could get better and continue to experience these things. but i've learned throughout the past 8 years of being suicidal that more often than not, nothing is enough for me to be "better." the feelings above are always just temporary distractions from my default state of sadness. sometimes it distracts me for quite awhile, but it always wears off and the sadness comes back. here are the things that i will not miss, because i have overwhelmingly had to deal with these more than the good.

1. the heaviness in your chest. you know the one. sometimes it comes out of nowhere, sometimes it's warranted, but it comes infrequently. for me, it happens most often when i'm having a good time, a cruel reminder that it's a facade, a temporary feeling until i'm alone again, ruining the moment and spoiling my good mood. it hits me out of nowhere, like a sack of flour suddenly dropping on top of me. it almsot physically weighs me down sometimes, the crushing feeling of it on top of me, on top of my heart. accompanied by the thoughts of worthlessness, it's always a mood killer.
2. guilt. i like to believe that i am a good person, and that i do the right thing, and therefore do not often feel guilt. but when i do, it is all-consuming and heavy. i mean i physically get sick to my stomach and sometimes start shaking. nothing is worse than to know you have hurt someone, and there is nothing you can do to reverse it, you can't even fix it, all you can do is say sorry and try to make it up to them and hope they forgive you. and then comes the shame spiral, your thoughts descending into an irreversible echo chamber of how stupid, awful, worthless you are, that you are a bad person because you have hurt someone you love. i can think of few emotions that i dislike more than guilt.
3. hatred. love is stronger than hatred and all that, which i do believe, but unfortunately, hatred is what seems to be more prevalent right now. especially in the us. every day the news reminds me that there are evil, awful people out there. and nobody cares! and nothing is being done about it! and this is just on a widespread, systematic level. it's worse to see it happen right in front of you, from person to person. i see it in my own family sometimes, when they talk about gay people, not realizing the enemy is closer than they think (lol). nothing worse than being reminded your own family would not love or accept you if they knew the real you.
4. when you know you're being irrational, but still can't stop feeling it. maybe this is exclusive to me, but at least with my personal experiences with my mental illness, it's always been this gross combination of being self-aware enough to recognize that the way i feel about something is irrational and unnecessary, but it still not being enough to stop feeling it. ex. 2 of my friends will hangout without me, (which i have also done countless times), and despite knowing it's not personal to me and that they weren't being exclusionary, i still get this sick feeling of jealousy. these negative thoughts run rampant through my mind that it was intentional, that they purposely didn't want to see me, they enjoy their time without me better, etc. i know that it's an overreaction and that realisitcally i shouldn't feel that way, and yet i still do! obviously this is a more tame example, but i just get this way about so many things so often, and it's so exhausting.
5. the chronic fatigue. when you've felt this way for so long and you're just always exhausted. no sleep is ever enough to fix the kind of tired that you are. when it weighs so heavy in your head that you just feel so numb and fuzzy you can't even form a thought or summon up the motivation to do anything other than lay down and do nothing. whenever it gets especially bad it's like i can't even remember having ever felt anything else before, and like i'll never feel anything other than this ever again. it is probably one of my least favorite feelings in the world, and i cannot wait to be rid of it.

i could go on and continue to add to both of the above lists, but these are the most prevalent things i can think of off the top of my head. apologies for the extraordinarily long post, and many thanks and lots of love to you if you actually sat and read this whole thing through top-to-bottom. i truly feel safe to express my emotions in this forum, which i so rarely (if ever) feel irl, so word vomit like this happens before i even realize i am doing it.

take care, and have a nice day