remunerated_exetrix
New Member
- Mar 31, 2026
- 2
This is just for me. I'm not looking for help or advise on how to do anything. I just want a collection of my thoughts in case something were to happen to me and someone wants more answers. Spoiler warning: it is nothing special and will leave you with more questions than answers. There is nothing I could say or write that would make my passing more bearable. There is no question I could answer that would make me leaving okay with you. It's a shitty thing I've done to myself and there's nothing more to it. You now must live with the passing of myself, and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for being such a selfish person to do something so inconsiderate of the people who love me the most. I genuinely mean this. I understand, in leaving, that I am taking away a person my friends and family love. For that, there is no solace I can bring to you other than saying I'm sorry. I hope you can understand and forgive me, but I also understand if you don't. Either way, I hope you continue on and continue to do well for yourselves and find happiness in a beautiful life. I love you.
As far as the people on this site are concerned, I really have no interested in interacting with this site other than to document my own thoughts. I thank you for allowing me to express myself without complete censorship. Other than that, I have mixed feeling about a place like this, but I will keep my thoughts to myself.
1. E4 E5
I am just a depressed human. Nothing more. I have this horrible feedback loop where when the meter hits a certain level it goes off and I say to myself "Hey, you should kill yourself." This creates my negative feedback loop of sadness. Any imperfection, error, or lack of accomplishment is amplified to justify suicide.
Anyone can rationalize suicide by doing this. No one is perfect. It's what makes us human. My problem is now that I know this happens how do I defeat this mechanism that is now subconscious to me? The answer is pretty simple, but insurmountable for someone like me. Time and effort. I have plenty of time, but I have zero motivation. Maybe I just need a change in attitude, but no matter what I do it will be a battle. I've already lost this battle in my mind. It doesn't help when my life seems to be hanging on by an invisible thread that could snap at any moment, changing the course of my life.
I've always told myself a change needed to be made or it will change for me. I guess I never realized that I don't have to change. I can continue to fall till I die.
So here I am again. I need to change, but lets be honest this time; it's never going to happen.
As far as the people on this site are concerned, I really have no interested in interacting with this site other than to document my own thoughts. I thank you for allowing me to express myself without complete censorship. Other than that, I have mixed feeling about a place like this, but I will keep my thoughts to myself.
1. E4 E5
I am just a depressed human. Nothing more. I have this horrible feedback loop where when the meter hits a certain level it goes off and I say to myself "Hey, you should kill yourself." This creates my negative feedback loop of sadness. Any imperfection, error, or lack of accomplishment is amplified to justify suicide.
Anyone can rationalize suicide by doing this. No one is perfect. It's what makes us human. My problem is now that I know this happens how do I defeat this mechanism that is now subconscious to me? The answer is pretty simple, but insurmountable for someone like me. Time and effort. I have plenty of time, but I have zero motivation. Maybe I just need a change in attitude, but no matter what I do it will be a battle. I've already lost this battle in my mind. It doesn't help when my life seems to be hanging on by an invisible thread that could snap at any moment, changing the course of my life.
I've always told myself a change needed to be made or it will change for me. I guess I never realized that I don't have to change. I can continue to fall till I die.
So here I am again. I need to change, but lets be honest this time; it's never going to happen.
